S1 E25 Hurting People Hurt People

Amanda (00:00)
I've been a mom for almost 18 years now.

And so I won't get into a lot of all the beautiful details, but just been thinking a lot about chapters, the different chapters of our lives, my life in particular. And.

I guess it all started when I found out I was pregnant with Miles and I was 19, I was terrified, I was not in the best of relationships, but I already loved him with my whole heart. And so we basically did a lot of growing up together. I would say...

So I met my husband, Matt, when Miles was three or four years old. And then Matt adopted Miles when he was four. And so I will say that is a bit of a chapter in itself. So let's say the first five years are a chapter. And then we had Logan. That would be chapter two.

And you go through this stage of life where you're just basically taking care of your kids and working and doing all of the things that we're supposed to do as moms. Not really giving a lot of thought to what I wanted, but just being the best mom that I knew how to be.

And so that's Miles is he'll be 18 in September. He just graduated from high school and he's about to leave for college in two months. And so the past, probably six weeks, few weeks before graduation, I experienced a little bit of depression just.

with the awareness that my reality is about to change in such a big way and that this chapter that we've been in for a while is going to end. Everything is exactly how it is. And so just finding some acceptance around all of it.

And it's been a really beautiful ride, you know, this being a mom to a small child and then an older child, teenager, and now a young adult. It's been my favorite adventure so far. What I've come to realize is that if I hold on too tightly to what it is,

what has been our life that I won't be able to fully enjoy this next chapter. And while I am sad that this chapter is closing, the joy that I have and the excitement for him and his excitement and his future is bigger than the sadness that I have for myself. So,

I would say the past couple of years I've really started living.

in it with the mindset of trying to live as my future self or my best self, even though I might not be who I want to be or where I want to be five years from now, I am, and not always, but as much as possible acting as if I've always been a believer in the saying, fake it till you make it.

Sometimes when you first start doing something, you have no idea what you're doing. It's like parenting. Nobody knows how to do it until you just do it. And so that's how I'm going into this next chapter of having an adult child is, you know, just making it till I make it. Another really important part of.

these past six weeks, I would say is the range of emotions that I've been experiencing where some days I've felt extremely sad or depressed and it's not a full day for sure, but.

nonetheless, feeling sad, feeling joy, feeling happy, feeling excitement, feeling a bit depressed, feeling worried, and just this acknowledgement of myself and this full range of emotions that I'm capable of feeling at the same time. And the awareness that if I still

had alcohol as part of my life, you know, I, I, all of those emotions and feelings would be completely or mostly numb. I would say if I can relate this back to when I was drinking and how I was then, I was a very emotional drunk and I would cry a lot. You know, I would cry about.

people that have passed away from my life or all the things. And so I feel like I would be an emotional basket case going through graduation and my son transitioning to his next chapter. So all of this comes down to this very.

authentic level of acceptance that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be. It has always been exactly how it was supposed to be and it always will be. There was a plan way before my life began and so that makes it easier for me to accept things that I might regret.

for.

things that I wish I had done differently. And.

And then also, you know, honoring myself for the mother that I've been able to be, which we all have our different personality types and.

Some of the traits that I've been gifted with are that I am very nurturing and very in touch with my emotions and very forgiving. And so while I can acknowledge that there have been.

moments in my parenting that I wish I had done differently. I can also acknowledge all of the wonderful parts too, and they can they can coexist.

that also brings to mind labels, you know, we label everything. People, you know, my son is my son. That's been his label for a while. And some people have, you know, I have the label of mom. Some people, it could be employee.

or coach or therapist or director or in some cases, you know, where say someone has been arrested and they've gone to jail and so people refer to them as a felon or criminal. And so,

bringing some awareness to the labels that we've placed on people and realizing that the labels are irrelevant. They are only true for a smidge of time. And then we can either sit and continue to call this person whatever it is we think we should call them, or we can move ahead, move on to what that person actually is.

And in my case, with my son graduating, his label is just his name, you know, and all that encompasses him, all of the wonderful parts of him, and maybe, you know, all of the things that maybe he wishes he could change.

As we go into this next chapter, and I'm evolving and becoming a newer, better version of myself because of this discomfort that I've allowed myself to feel. I have also been able to come to terms with maybe some relationships that I have to let go of in order to continue to be in function as my best self. And so.

going to refer to it as the future version of myself, the person that I visualize when I think of what I might be like five years from now. That girl can't coexist with anyone that is not on the same or higher vibration than she is. Now I'm not saying that I can't

spend time with people that are on a different vibration or different level than I am. I'm saying that people that intentionally bring us down and that don't have our best interest at heart. Those are people that maybe we should consider releasing from our lives.

There is definitely someone in my life that I've, I know that I have to release from my life and that is my plan moving forward. And I was actually reading something the other day. I'm not sure what it was, but basically it was talking about how to respond to people who are saying ugly things to us basically. And so the advice was that,

If someone says something to you that is clearly trying to bring you down, one way that you can handle that situation is to repeat back to them what they said to you. And then after you repeat back to them what they said to you, calmly, kindly, rationally, after repeating back what they've said,

then ask them what their intention behind it was.

those people that bring us down usually.

are not expecting us to handle the situation in a calm and rational way. Because when someone treats us badly, it's human nature to want to react instead of respond. And so as we're going into those difficult situations, especially the ones that we can be prepared for when we know we're going to see that difficult person.

What I do is...

remind myself of one of my favorite affirmations, which is I am safe.

and that means emotional safety. And I usually do some sort of meditation or listen to some calming meditative music to get me in a peaceful heart space and mindset where I'm not walking into a situation.

feeling defensive or expecting something to go wrong.

Instead, I'm walking into the situation.

in good spirits, hoping everything goes well. And...

being very intentional about.

listening and if it were to come down to needing to stand up for myself, not defend myself, but stand up for myself.

being capable of doing that because I'm at so much ease that I can respond to people, to a person who may not have my best interest at heart.

calmly and rationally.

because it's so easy to look at these people as, or for me in my situation, to look at this person as the bad guy or the enemy.

when I have to remember that this person is just a person who has been hurt really badly and even though I don't know how she's been hurt or what that looked like for her, whenever someone does something intentionally to hurt someone frequently, repetitively,

It's always because of past hurt or trauma and it all boils down to hurting people hurt people.