S1 E24 The Alcohol Paradox: Practical Tools for Cultivating Authentic Connection in Sobriety

Jane Ballard (00:01.562)
Hello, hello, it's Jane here. Hope you're all doing well today. Thank you so much for joining. Today I wanted to talk a little bit about the concept of connection and what that can look like once someone decides to change their relationship with alcohol. So I wanna invite you to reflect on this question.

Why did you drink? Why did you drink alcohol in the past or why do you drink alcohol now? Sometimes we just think, well, because why not? It's fun, you know, like why does there need to be a reason? But when you really think about it, I think that we all drink for a variety of reasons, but we are trying to achieve something, whether it's a feeling of calm or relaxation, or maybe it's a feeling of

higher energy and the ability to let loose and have fun and celebrate. Or, you know, maybe we're just trying to sleep. Sometimes people drink because they feel like it relaxes them and they can turn their brain off and go to sleep at night. So for you, what is it? What do you feel that drinking does for you? Or if you're sober now, what do you feel like drinking?

What did you think? What was your previous belief about what drinking did for you?

So for me, alcohol gave me a sense of...

Jane Ballard (01:43.162)
Belonging. And I say belonging, but really I think maybe it was more about fitting in, you know, as a, as a teenager drinking, not drinking because other people are drinking and they needed to drink to fit in, but drinking because it felt that when alcohol was in my system, I could let loose, I could let down my guard and I could behave in a way that helped me feel like I was a part of something or helped me feel like I could fit in.

And one of the unexpected surprises of living alcohol free for the last 20 months is that.

I feel like I belong so much more with people that really I authentically relate to and align with so much more than I ever did back when I was drinking in social situations. So let's talk about connection. I think connection is one of the main reasons that a lot of people drink, you know, whether it's social connection or connection with a spouse or

whether you're single and you're dating and it helps you connect on dates or helps you get to know people. As humans, that is one of our basic needs is to feel connected to other people. So what is connection? So according to the dictionary, connection is a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something.

So there's a link or an association. I love the definition that Brene Brown gives in her book, Atlas of the Heart. She says, connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued, when they give and receive without judgment, and when they derive sustenance and strength from a relationship.

Jane Ballard (03:45.882)
So let's talk about each of these three parts of this. So the energy that exists between people. So it's something that is unseen, but you can feel it's an energy or a movement. There's something alive there, but you can't really touch it or put your finger on it. And it's when we feel seen, heard and valued. And so being seen means that somebody sees us for who we are authentically, not who we're trying to be or who we can be.

for them, but who we really, really are. And then when they can give and receive without judgment. So as humans, I think we need reciprocity in relationships and in our connections. We need to feel like we have something to offer. And we also need to feel like we have a place where we can go when we need something, when we need others to offer to us. And when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. So sustenance.

I think of food when I think of sustenance. And so really we need our friendships or our relationships, our social connections. We need them to feed us socially to give to us when we feel depleted or when we feel like we don't have the resources within us, that we can go to a community or go to a friend and receive that sustenance and strength, and then also give that to others when others come to us for strength.

So I don't know if you've heard this, but apparently our culture is currently experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. So loneliness is really a threat to our health, not just our mental health, but also our physical health. And really, what is the difference anyway? They're so tied, they're so connected. So according to Dr. John Cacioppo, who is a

neuroscientist researcher, he says, to grow into an adulthood for social species, including humans, is not to become autonomous and solitary. It's to become the one on whom others can depend. Whether we know it or not, our brain and biology have been shaped to favor this outcome.

Jane Ballard (06:13.434)
So according to Dr. Cacioppo, we were designed for connection. Our brains and our bodies were designed to thrive in community with other people. And so that's not to say we need to constantly be with others. We also need moments of solitude or time alone. And...

That's different than isolation. There's a difference between isolation and having time alone. I think when we have times of solitude in a healthy way, we know that our community is still there. We're just taking a moment of quiet. And for somebody like me who is naturally an introvert, we need moments of quiet. We need to be able to go off on our own and recharge our social battery. There is nothing wrong with that.

However, even the most introverted of introverts needs social connection. They need people, at least a handful of people in their circle that they can connect with and that they know those people are there for them and they are there for those people. They're needed.

So I love the concept of paradox.

So going back to definitions here, the dictionary, what is a paradox? A paradox is a statement or proposition that despite sound reasoning or apparently sound reasoning from acceptable premises leads to a conclusion that seems senseless, logical, or unacceptable or self -contradictory.

Jane Ballard (07:59.322)
So there's a lot of paradoxes for me when it comes to living alcohol free. You know, giving up something that maybe on some level, a part of me believed was necessary for connection. I gave up this thing. I was willing to risk the loss of connection in order to live alcohol free. And then I unexpectedly feel more connected to myself and to others than

probably any other time in my life, definitely in my adult life. And so to me, that is a paradox, being willing to give something up, you feel like you're giving up this huge thing, but you actually are gaining so much more that you didn't necessarily even know you were missing. So I had this experience the other night, I went to a women's circle. It was through like this meditation group and,

The way I found out about this women's circle was through another woman that I've met through kind of alcohol -free circles, actually Allie, who was a guest on the podcast several weeks ago. So Allie messaged me last minute and said, Hey, I'm going to this tomorrow night. Do you want to go? And the night before that, a friend who I went to Bali with in 2023 had reached out. She was in Florida. She was like, Hey, I'm going to be in Dallas. Do you want to get together?

And so I was like, do you want to go to this women's circle with me? And then I sent a message to the group that I went to Bali with this year in 2024 and said, Hey, I'm going to this women's circle. Anyone want to come? And one of the women from Bali 2024 came. And so.

I went to this women's circle, you know, thinking, you know, in the past, I wouldn't have known anyone. And here I have three people from three different areas of life who I've met only because of alcohol -free connections. People I have met who are also on this sober curious journey or this kind of personal growth, getting to know yourself without alcohol journey. And what's funny is my friend,

Jane Ballard (10:19.834)
who was in town, she and I went to dinner before and we went to this vegetarian place. It's in a Hare Krishna temple and they have a different menu every day. It's all fresh, amazing food. And then we sat out in this little outdoor patio area. It was so peaceful. And there was another woman who was at the table next to us. And apparently she overheard our conversation. We were talking about women's retreats and the retreat in Bali.

And she heard us say retreat. And so she thought, I need a retreat. So she looked up this meditation class and she was like, I'm going to go to this thing. So she didn't even know we were going, but then she showed up there. And so now this is, here's another connection with another woman and we exchanged numbers and got to know each other. So you just never know, you know, that's, that's the beauty of it is I never would have predicted this. I didn't expect.

to meet a whole new group of people. I didn't know I was even missing anything.

But my network of women and men really who are living this kind of mindful alcohol free life has just expanded over time. And I never expected that. I remember in my first few months of deciding to give up alcohol, I really was a little bit on an island with it. I didn't really know anyone else in my life who

was sober or alcohol free. And a lot of the people in my life didn't really understand why I was doing this or, you know, what was the point. It's not like I had this terrible problem or consequence. So I, why change things? And I remember in the beginning, I would listen to podcasts and I found a Facebook group that I joined and I never even posted. I would just read other people's posts. And that's how I felt.

Jane Ballard (12:19.738)
connected in less Alone and like there were other people out there on this journey. And it wasn't until I went on a Bali retreat in 2023 that I actually started meeting people and then began talking about my own experience on social media, which was, let me tell you, terrifying for me. I was not a social media poster and it's still scary at times. But these online connections actually,

brought so much peace and joy and, you know, like real, real connection with people that I'm now getting to meet these people in real life. And it's great. I've got friends all over the country and really all over the world. So going back to this feeling of connection and why it's so important, why it's necessary for our well -being and our health as a human, it comes back to this concept of

openness. And the more openness we can cultivate in our life, the more we are opening ourselves up to feeling connected to other people. So I'm just going to talk about these traits of openness. And this comes from a type of therapy, a therapeutic modality called RODBT. I know a very long acronym. And basically that stands for Radically Open Dialectical

behavior therapy. Thomas Lynch is the founder of that and I'm learning more about it. It's great. But it's based on this idea of openness and how that leads to greater cognitive flexibility, connection with others and more peace and well -being in life. So people who are open, people who have this trait of openness, they typically celebrate diversity. They're curious.

about it rather than feeling critical or judgmental of those who are different than them. They don't shy away from conflict. They don't love conflict, but they view conflict as an opportunity for growth in a relationship. They have a high level of curiosity in novel situations. And so in an unfamiliar situation, they're, they want to know more. They want to learn more. It's a lighter, more playful stance than feeling threatened or unsafe.

Jane Ballard (14:46.522)
They also show a high degree of humility. So they are good at acknowledging the possibility that they could be wrong. They're not so closely attached to their views and their ideals that they aren't willing to consider the possibility that they might be wrong. And if they are wrong, they can acknowledge that and own it and talk about it. They are flexible. So they're able to take feedback.

They're able to incorporate that feedback into their lives and begin to make changes. And then one of the most important is that they're able to apologize. There, I can't tell you how many clients I've had in my office who have said they have a parent who's never, never once apologized to them. And to me, that is so important because none of us are going to be perfect in relationships.

We are going to hurt the people that we love the most despite our best intentions. We're going to mess up. And so I like to think of the motto, rupture, repair. You will have ruptures in relationships. The goal is not to never have a rupture. The goal is to always repair. You can repair 100 % of the time, or at least attempt to repair 100 % of the time when you have caused harm or hurt.

in one of your connections. And so people with a high degree of openness are able and willing to apologize.

So let's say you're sitting here listening to this and you're like, well, I don't have those traits. Or maybe you know someone that you care about and you're like, well, they don't have those traits. And we really, we're powerless over other people, but we can work on how we respond to other people. And so there's this idea that there are certain traits that we just kind of innately have. We all have different sets of traits as humans. And then there are certain states.

Jane Ballard (16:48.826)
And so even if you don't have the trait of openness, you can cultivate the state of openness. And you might be thinking, well, how do I do that? How do I go about cultivating this state? And the first step is really to know your thinking patterns. You know, we all have automatic thoughts and

Oftentimes we're not even aware of what these automatic thoughts are. We're just aware of maybe the emotion that we're having. Maybe we're feeling distress or anxiety or frustration and anger or resentment. And so knowing your thinking patterns is key. And there are healthy thinking patterns and then there are thinking patterns that are less healthy. And pretty much all of us have some unhealthy thinking patterns.

So if you can identify what are your kind of your go -to thinking traps or thinking errors. So I'm going to give you a list of what are some possible thinking traps. So one is black and white thinking or all or nothing thinking. Either someone is all good or they're all bad or even thinking of yourself. Well, I'm just not an open person or, you know, I'm just not.

smart or I'm not disciplined. And it's like, no, maybe there are times when you're not disciplined or when you struggle with discipline, but it doesn't mean overall in every area you're not disciplined. And that's just the way it's going to be forever labeling. I think using labels to describe other people, something that I see a lot and that really bothers me is this label of toxic. Well, she's just a toxic person or it's

a toxic environment, a toxic relationship. And I think when we unilaterally label something as toxic, we're overlooking maybe the possibility for growth and change. And also in labeling others, we tend to give ourselves permission to not look at ourselves and look at how we might be contributing to some of the dynamic that leads to a feeling of toxicity.

Jane Ballard (19:11.61)
So when you find yourself labeling either yourself or others, maybe just take a step back and get curious about it.

Another potential thinking trap is the negative mental filter. So this looks like maybe, maybe you put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform and to do well. Maybe there's a little perfectionism. And so like, let's say for instance, this podcast that I am thinking, well, you know, I stumbled over my words or I didn't explain this thing clearly like that, that episode just.

that sucked. And yeah, maybe there's room for improvement, but maybe there are also some things that I did well. Maybe there were some concepts that I presented that somebody else related to and that it felt helpful for that person to hear. Jumping to conclusions. This is a really common one, just kind of assuming that something bad is going to happen.

Assuming like an example of jumping to conclusions would be, well, I'm on this episode by myself. Nobody's going to listen to it. It's going to be a flop. When really, I don't know that that's a possibility, but it's not a certainty. And in our thoughts, when we're thinking of it as if it is a certainty, we're experiencing the distress as if it has happened and really it may not happen. Emotional reasoning. So this is something.

like, well, I feel like a failure, therefore I am, or I feel lonely, therefore I am all alone and nobody cares about me, kind of getting confused with if we feel this emotion and this situation that I'm thinking must be true.

Jane Ballard (21:01.05)
should have and must have statements. So I should have done this. I wish I had done this. I, you know, I must get it right or for what or else, you know, so anytime, you know, you hear the same like don't should yourself and really there's some truth to that. We need to have a little bit more of a flexible outlook and more of a compassionate stance with ourselves and with others really.

So going back to cultivating openness and knowing your thinking patterns, identifying these little things, these little thinking traps can be helpful. Like, okay, there's black and white thinking. What's the more helpful way to look at that or a more balanced way to look at that? Or, I'm labeling myself. I'm labeling myself as stupid or incompetent or not good enough. Like what's the actual reality and is that really helpful?

And then the second part of cultivating openness is it comes down to how you communicate with others. Are you listening to agree or are you listening to understand? And listening to agree means that you're hearing what the other person's saying and while you're hearing it in your mind, you're formulating your response to tell them why you disagree or why your way of thinking is actually better. And when we listen to understand, we really

take in what the other person is saying. Maybe we repeat back to them like, okay, so you're saying this, this and this. Did I get that right? Okay, okay, yeah, well, thanks. Thanks for sharing your viewpoint. And it's not to say you can't then share yours, but I think like really taking the time to try to listen and to try to hear that person really shows them that, yeah, even if I don't agree, I care about you as a person and I care about our connection as humans.

more than I care about being right. And then the other piece is acceptance. And I talk with clients a lot about this idea that accepting doesn't mean that you agree with it or that you're condoning something. Acceptance is more of you are allowing it to be as it is and recognizing that it is not your responsibility or within your power to change it. And so you're just opening up and making space.

Jane Ballard (23:27.226)
for reality to be as it is. And maybe you can hope for that reality to change, but in the meantime, you can put your energy toward figuring out how you can work on yourself so that you can respond to the current reality in the most helpful adaptive way.

Jane Ballard (23:51.362)
So in summary, the keys to connection are trying to cultivate this sense of openness, a sense of curiosity over judgment, thinking about attaching with other people in our human relationships. It starts out with our primary caregivers as children. We need to know that our parents are accessible, responsive.

and engaged. And you can use a little acronym with that, ARE, are accessible, responsive, and engaged. And really, we can use that in all of our relationships, in relationships with your significant other, your friends, your coworkers, your children, your parents, you know, are you accessible? Are you responsive? Are you engaged? You know, if you can say yes to those three things, there's a very good chance that there's going to be

a healthy attachment in that relationship. And then listening to understand and then acceptance versus change. Can I change the situation? Is it within my power? Is it my responsibility? Is it my place to change it? If the answer is no, how can I work towards accepting it as it is? So I hope that you got something out of this episode.

If you have any questions or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to reach out to me. You can email me. My email is Jane at Jane w Ballard .com or DM me on Instagram at Jane w Ballard. I love talking about connection and just the unexpected joy of connecting with other people on this sober path and who are like minded people who.

are interested in really getting to know themselves and getting curious about themselves. If you are wanting to grow as a human and if you're really wanting to know yourself well, the fastest way you can do that is to remove substances from your life. Alcohol, that's probably the most popular one, but alcohol, marijuana, other drugs. Committing to a period of sobriety.

Jane Ballard (26:12.506)
And not just 30 days, I think 90 days minimum is probably the fastest way to really get to know yourself and to develop self -compassion and the ability to trust yourself and build confidence that you don't need substances to get through this life. You don't need substances to escape or to enjoy yourself. That the ability to do that is within you. You've just got to search for it.

and get in touch with it. And that is possible. That is accessible to every single person. All right. Well, thanks for listening. And I will look forward to connecting to you soon.