S1 E 14 Alicias story of becoming free on the inside

Amanda (00:02.114)
All right, guys, today we have Alicia Mills on the podcast. Several years ago at church, I heard my pastor mention that Alicia had been sober for a couple of years. And it gave me a little bit of hope that maybe I could do this sober thing too. And so I started to...

message with Alicia and talk to Alicia. And eventually when I did end up getting sober, her and her husband actually came over to our home and walked us through that journey in the very beginning. So I'm really excited to have her on the podcast today. Um, do you want to start with sharing a little bit about your childhood Alicia?

Alicia Mills (00:51.22)
I would love to. Hey, thanks for having me on ladies. I got to chat with you guys a little before we started recording and you two ladies are really, got a really great story. This thing you got going is super impactful and I'm excited just to share the word and what it's like in my journey from where I started to where I am and yeah, it's been really neat. So yeah, my husband and I are originally from California.

and we moved to Texas in 2018. We had just had our fourth child. He was actually four weeks old when we packed up our van and we headed out. And so my husband had this grand idea that he wanted to own a ranch in Texas. Always, it was always a dream of his. And so we were able to do that. So we bought a ranch and we raised, trained and bred bucking stock.

for the PBR and different competitions and things like that. But we had moved away from all friends and family, so we didn't know a soul. So it was definitely, it was exciting, but it was for sure a high stress time in our lives, season in our life. We just had to learn all the things. So I remember we got to the ranch and Bo was like, "'Okay, grab a bucket. "'You're gonna get some grain "'and walk into the bull's pin.'" And I was like...

No, I don't. I don't think that's a great idea. But that way, I mean, that was it. It was like, he's like, you're the boss, Alicia, you show them what it is. So anyways, it was very much a learn as you go experience. And it was awesome. But culture shock. Yep. Rodeo, all of these, you know, it's a very different world. And so you're just figuring out and learning all kinds of stuff. And

Jane Ballard (02:29.352)
Probably some culture shock too, like California to a Texas ranch.

Alicia Mills (02:42.516)
And so that was really great. It was stressful. I had started drinking, talking about my journey with alcohol in California, just a casual drinking, a social drinking, but it started to escalate. It was just like a slow drip, like a little more. And then all of a sudden I was having a drink before Bo came home in secret. And then I was having two before we had people over because the lie that I was believing was that it makes me way more fun to be around.

and it loses me up and I can have conversation better. People like me more. So all of these things. And so I got pregnant, had the baby, and then we moved. And I think just because of the habit I had formed back in California, I carried that over and it's just kind of restarted with the stress and like, you know, my kids just in a busy stage of life too. And then fast forward to 2020.

we lost our youngest son, Bo Bear, in a drowning accident on our ranch. And it was terrible. It was the worst thing you could ever imagine. You never think something like that could happen to you. And in two minutes, it did. And so that just escalated my drinking situation. And at that point, I didn't care. Bo had caught on. He had found bottles in the house. He...

He knew that I was drinking in secret. He knew it was a problem. But he didn't really wanna shame me. He wanted to love me, but he didn't know how. And so he was trying to navigate loss of a son, his wife's a disaster, he's trying to run his business. So it was just this perfect storm of really terrible things. And so I remember one day he just said to me like, hey, you're gonna be 50 one day without a family if you keep...

choosing these things and going down this road. Like you're gonna get in an accident with the kids in the car. You're gonna get pulled over and go to jail because we have a close friend and family member who that happened to. With the same exact situation as me, what was happening. And God just kept me from that at that point. But it was a very real moment of like, is it gonna be your selfishness or are you gonna choose your family and what the Lord has for you in full?

Alicia Mills (05:03.708)
And so the first, my first big, we went and saw like a intensive counselor for like a weekend. And that was super helpful just to figure out what my roots were. Like what was causing this? I don't think it was like, oh, I'm so addicted to alcohol. It was there is something way deep down that is causing you to have an eating disorder. Disordered eating started when I was in high school and carried into college, carried into some of my marriage.

I am a control freak. I am a little bit obsessive with exercise. So all of these things, I've had a pattern in my life of certain things. So really being a big girl and figuring out like, okay, like you need to sit in your emotions. You need to embrace hard conversations and conflict and figure out what it looks like to have healthy conflict resolution. So all of these things, I don't know how to do. I'm a now 30.

three year old and I feel like I am very immature as far as like dealing with those types of things and so it was scary for me and I think that was I didn't ever want to do it and so that was why I drank it's like okay I'm just gonna peace out for a second and then I don't have to I don't have to do it and so um exactly and so um so yeah so then my first big milestone

Jane Ballard (06:21.405)
to feel for a little bit.

Alicia Mills (06:30.004)
when I decided, okay, this is it, I'm gonna stop drinking was my son's birthday. And so he would have been two, March 30th or May 31st. And so I stopped drinking May 1st. And that was kind of my big, so I made it 30 days, 31 days. And I said, okay, like if I can do 30, I can do 60. And if I can do 60, I can do 90. And all of a sudden you're six months in. And like, wow, like I am able to have conversations. People do like me.

sober like it is I'm not weird, you know, it's all of these things and so there was a lot of self-discovery that I had to do there was a lot of Like figuring out who I was I don't really think I knew who I was like I think I am so really Really letting go of open-handedly giving my life over to the Lord and being like well Who do you call me to be what gifts have you given me and how can I use them like to your glory like?

Jane Ballard (07:26.62)
Thank you.

Alicia Mills (07:30.32)
this story is yours, not mine, and I want to be able to honor you and all of it. All the ugly, all the brokenness. I think that was a big part of it, like letting go of perfection and being like, this is what I am, this is what I've done. Like it's super ugly, but there's no shame in that anymore. Like I can let that go and be like, God's used this for something really good. And it's so cool to watch him transform.

me and our marriage and our family, like just over four years, it's been super cool to watch that.

Amanda (08:03.233)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (08:04.885)
It's like the paradox, you know, the biblical paradox of you have to lose your life in order to gain it. And once you let go of the resistance and just said, hey, I give up doing it my way is creating more suffering. You were able to heal and transform your life.

Alicia Mills (08:10.903)
Mm-hmm. 100%.

Alicia Mills (08:20.329)
Yep.

Alicia Mills (08:24.344)
That's so true. And I mean, truly, not even holding on by 1%. It was like, but both of us, Bo and I were just like, we have nothing. We've lost a child. We're falling apart. Our marriage is a disaster. There is no other option. And the sad part is that it does take most of us to get there. Not all the time. Like you, Jane, you didn't have that experience, which I'm so grateful that you didn't. Like that.

Jane Ballard (08:29.67)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (08:45.105)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (08:50.52)
Yeah.

Alicia Mills (08:51.54)
God's like shaking me so hard multiple times before they got here. But I was too stubborn to see. And so, yeah, it's been a journey. But yeah, for sure, just grateful for my experience with alcohol. Like I am, I'm so grateful that now I walked through it. I know what it does. I know how it diminishes who I am and like just my experience in life. And so I get to share it now, which is really cool.

Jane Ballard (08:56.988)
Yes.

Amanda (09:22.282)
Yeah, it's been really beautiful to watch your journey and see like, I think you've given so many people so much hope and like to watch that. God didn't just change your life a little bit. Like he dramatically changed your life and you know, all of the fruit of your sobriety is, I mean, overwhelmingly beautiful to watch because like,

Alicia Mills (09:36.909)
Hmm.

Amanda (09:51.55)
You know, your husband is the pastor of our church now, and you guys are, you know, people like me call you guys when, you know, we're in our darkest moments and you're able to walk families through losing a child. And it's just really beautiful to watch and really, really inspiring for sure. Absolutely.

Alicia Mills (09:57.048)
blown.

Alicia Mills (10:04.629)
Yeah.

Alicia Mills (10:13.387)
Thank you.

Amanda (10:17.346)
So I know one thing that I've noticed like with sober women after we get sober, like we go like full force into like, I feel like a holistic lifestyle. Like we, it's really interesting to me, like we want everything to be all natural and organic. And it's just interesting that we go from one extreme to the other. So I'm just curious what your life looks like as far as that goes.

Alicia Mills (10:28.821)
them.

Alicia Mills (10:46.932)
Yeah, so I've always been pretty into health. Like I said, I've had an issue with over-exercising. I struggled with anorexia and bulimia. And so there's just always, but my dad was a stellar athlete and he just had a really awesome drive and self-motivation. And exercise has always just been like therapy to me. I love it. I love it. It's good for my body. It's good for my mind.

And so that's been something that's been super consistent. And then I really got into, like you said, putting good into my body. Like not just, like I was doing this opposite effect where I would work out super hard because I knew I was gonna drink a bottle of wine. Like it was so twisted and sick and unhealthy where now it's like, okay, my body, because I'm working out and expending all of these calories, like what good can I put in it? And so.

and on it, so really just eating organically, and how do I get my kids really great protein, all of these things. And then I started dabbling in skincare and makeup and really learning that it's not only what I'm consuming, but it's also the things I'm putting on my body. And I get one, this is the one I get. And I wanna feel good, and I want to be able to, when I'm 65, I wanna go skiing. When I'm 65, I wanna be able to

you know, do all these things and feel good about it. And so, yeah, I think once you, when your mind is clear of the importance of your temple and how you treat it and you're sober, it's just, it's a really, and it's fun. It's fun because like you were telling me earlier, you get a hookup with these women who are like-minded and it's like, okay, let's do it together. And it's a fun community. All of a sudden you have these like great friends who are.

who wanna do it with you and it keeps you motivated to do the same.

Amanda (12:48.718)
Yeah, absolutely.

Jane Ballard (12:50.705)
and you don't have the depleted energy and kind of the guilt and anxiety that comes from drinking, you know, recovering from drinking.

Alicia Mills (12:54.39)
Mm-hmm.

Alicia Mills (12:57.56)
Totally. Totally, yes.

Amanda (13:02.075)
Yeah, and just to touch a little bit more on like women and sobriety, not necessarily all women and sobriety have a history of an eating disorder, but a lot of us do. And I think that really a lot of our generation does have issues with food, the women at least. Do you want to speak to that a little bit more?

Alicia Mills (13:29.2)
Uh, yeah, I'd love to. Um, yeah, I grew up, I grew up in the 2000s. So I just remember my mom had, um, what's that chocolate shake? I don't remember the box chocolate shake. Slim fast, or the cans. Slim fast. And so I, I like vividly remember, um, we had an outside refrigerator and my mom, same thing, would always kind of yo-yo with weight, was always on a diet. She was always chubby. She was like, I just need to lose 15 pounds. Always just, I need to.

Amanda (13:40.45)
Like Slim Fast, yeah, yeah.

Jane Ballard (13:42.732)
Yes.

Alicia Mills (13:58.92)
you know, and then I remember I was in band, total band nerd, go bandies. And one of the gals I played with, she, she was a year older than me. And she was always talking about her weight, how she was, she was, I mean, gorgeous, beautiful, blonde, tall, just a beautiful figure, great personality. But that talking about her roles, and how she wanted to like, lose her role, it just

Jane Ballard (14:03.961)
I'm sorry.

Amanda (14:04.98)
Ahahaha

Alicia Mills (14:26.8)
is insane to me that like as a 14 year old that was just like planted in my in my head just losing and then we grew up in the 2000s where it was um, Anorexically skinny was in I mean it Lindsay Lohan and we just had all of these stars that we were looking at that like being unhealthily skinny is Is what is the trend and so um? Yes, yeah, and it's you know, and now it's um curves are in

Jane Ballard (14:38.6)
Mm-hmm.

Jane Ballard (14:48.712)
like the emaciated look.

Alicia Mills (14:55.356)
And so it's so fascinating. And the women are following that. Not all women, but it's definitely, it's just super fascinating. But it's like realizing, my gosh, like media has such a pull on what they tell you about yourself. And it's like, well, my body is not like yours, Jane, or yours, Amanda. Like, I need to feel it the way I need to feel it. And how do I feel the best?

And I don't know the answer to that question. I don't know how we convince women that they're perfect and beautiful the way they are, whether it's 15 pounds heavier or lighter, but moving your body is important. Fueling your body the correct way is important. Starving your body is not. Overeating, gluttony is not okay. There's so many, but what is healthy and what does it look like for each individual woman is a tricky.

is a tricky question, but you kind of figure it out as you go. Like, how do I feel the most beautiful? Like, when do I feel like I have the most energy and like the happiest? And yeah, it's definitely something that's embedded in our culture. And it's a shame. It's a shame. And I have a 13-year-old daughter. And so just teaching her like,

Like I was talking to her yesterday, she was like, mom, I ordered two burgers with fries on the side. When I went, they went to my college visit and I said, you know, just teaching her about intuitive eating. Like, were you hungry? Like, you know, like just ask your questions, not shaming her like, but how do you teach your kids even? Like, this is a really great meal and like, but not making it, like pointing at a finger or making it.

Amanda (16:24.587)
Yeah. Ha ha ha.

Alicia Mills (16:47.328)
like you're shaming them or you shouldn't be eating. So that's a hard thing to navigate too with your kids. And I have a girl and two boys. And so my son who's 11, the kid can crush food like I've never seen, right? Cause he's, I think he's fixing to shoot up four inches. So how do you, you know, so I just usually keep my mouth shut and just, you know, cause I feel like.

Jane Ballard (16:52.917)
Alright. Yeah.

Jane Ballard (17:09.508)
Yeah, I think it's all about teaching them how to tune into their body and listen to their hunger cues and listen to their satiety cues. And then also thinking through, how does it impact my mood? When I eat a bunch of ice cream, which I love, and I do eat it regularly, but if I eat too much the next day, I feel kind of puffy and yucky and annoyed about it. And so just...

Alicia Mills (17:17.704)
Yes. Yep.

Alicia Mills (17:24.769)
Yes.

Alicia Mills (17:31.86)
Me too. Yeah, yep. That's good, that's really good.

Jane Ballard (17:38.724)
really tuning in and figuring out like, what makes me feel the best? When I am at my optimal self, my balanced self, what am I putting into my body and how am I moving and how am I talking to myself about it?

Alicia Mills (17:49.873)
Yeah. Well, speaking to that, so my son, the one I was talking about who eats like a tank, he was starting to get these headaches, like these severe migraines out of nowhere, where he'd be so severe, he'd wake up and he'd throw up, like, because of the pain, and then he'd kind of be okay. So with the eating thing, our doctor was like, well, try to pinpoint and see if it's following something processed, something with red dye, something with a lot of sugar, all these things, and we...

Jane Ballard (18:03.804)
No.

Alicia Mills (18:16.556)
sure enough, we kind of figured out what it was. And it was really good for him to see like, what you're putting in your body makes you feel a certain way. And it was like a direct correlation of what he ate the night before. And so that was a really good learning tool too. It's like, you just, you know, in America, the things they put in our food, it's gross. It's gross that they put it on shelves, like, and they allow us to eat it. But we don't know, we don't know different. We just...

buy it because it tastes good and then it's addictive so we keep buying it and it's just this domino effect.

Jane Ballard (18:47.368)
just.

Amanda (18:51.306)
Yeah, I think it really, yeah. And it kind of can all come back to having this addictive property to us, like, you know, addressing it as a food addiction. Like we are struggling with this a little bit with our youngest son. And it is such a hard place to be because, you know, we want our kids to be really confident in themselves, but at the same time, like,

Alicia Mills (19:01.295)
Mm-hmm.

Amanda (19:18.53)
finding this really nice way of saying like, are you actually hungry right now? And then them not feeling shame over that. And we, I mean, it's definitely something we're working through right now, but really coming back to women and I mean, I can totally relate with this, what we were talking about with the eating disorders and really just.

Alicia Mills (19:25.372)
Totally.

Alicia Mills (19:30.081)
Yeah.

Amanda (19:47.762)
being skinny, being beautiful, equaling self-worth, like, or being worthy of anything, of this life of a husband, of God's love, like all the things, like I think for so long, if the number on the scale wasn't below 128, you know, then I was like, you know, it would ruin me for a couple of days. And then really,

Alicia Mills (19:53.996)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Alicia Mills (20:01.216)
Yeah.

Alicia Mills (20:12.489)
Mm-hmm.

Amanda (20:16.158)
And this is something I'm still working on, like really trying to figure out and make myself understand that my worth does not come from anything on the outside, but it's a really hard thing to get through to, you know.

Alicia Mills (20:33.596)
Almost like you almost have to unlearn it because it's been instilled in you for so long So it's like repeating all the time like hey, no, I gotta catch yourself be like, no, that's not true That's a lie like and call it out for what it is like and I tell my kids that to it's like hey If you start hearing a lie that Satan's trying to tell you say no, that's not true like actually this is the truth and I thought I mean I say it out loud a lot of the time because That is the best way to kind of again

Amanda (20:36.564)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Jane Ballard (20:39.418)
Mm-hmm.

Alicia Mills (21:02.44)
repetition and to get myself out of that just, yeah, unhealthy mindset.

Jane Ballard (21:08.088)
Yeah, just restructuring those automatic thoughts and continually replacing them over and over again with more helpful, accurate ways of thinking. And it feels impossible and tedious, but you can change those thoughts with time and practice.

Alicia Mills (21:17.873)
Mm-hmm.

Alicia Mills (21:23.776)
Yeah, you really can. And I think that's what I've learned, I think too. I think when you are so deep in it, it feels just super impossible to get yourself out. It's like, I have dug my hole so deep and it's daunting to know the work you have to put in to get yourself out. And it's like, gosh, is it worth me doing it? Is it worth being frustrated? Is it worth the effort? And like now that I'm on the other side of it, gosh, absolutely, 100 times over, I would do it again.

And I remember, you know, Bo always said to like, if you look, if you have a conversation with somebody and they're so, like the aroma of crisis coming off of them and they're kind and they're looking you in the eye and they're listening and they're genuine, like do you once ever think about what they look like or the size of their clothes or their, of course not, never, never ever. Like what's attractive and beautiful is your heart, is your heart and your words and like that is what.

Jane Ballard (22:13.681)
Never.

Alicia Mills (22:21.232)
makes a person beautiful, like nothing else. And so like that too is like you just, when you learn that you let go of a lot of imperfections about yourself. There are a lot of things I don't love about myself, but I do because this is who I am. Like I'm not gonna change them. So yeah, so why would I sit and sulk about X, Y, and Z when I'm like, well, this is the body, this is my face, this is it, so let's go get them.

Jane Ballard (22:38.044)
Part of who you are.

Amanda (22:49.029)
Yeah, yeah, and like learning to love your. Yeah, absolutely.

Jane Ballard (22:50.056)
Yeah, well, and perfection's kind of boring. Sorry.

Alicia Mills (22:54.)
It is, it is. No, well, and that's exactly it. So you see, I was watching a show the other day and it was this woman and she was beautiful. She was an actress, but I'm like, you know, she had, her lips were done, you could tell her no. And I looked at, and I just, it's such a now, that look is, it's, what's the, what's duplicitous? Like you can multiply that look and it's not unique anymore. Like it's.

Jane Ballard (23:12.058)
Yes.

Alicia Mills (23:22.28)
It's something that you can get done, but you don't look like it's reproduced. That's exactly it. And, uh, what a shame because, um, I think the, the best part about all of us and humanity and the way that God made us is because, I mean, we are truly all of us. So individualistic and different and beautiful in our own way. So to be able to take that away from someone is, it's, it's sad. I'm sure God's that too. He's like, but you're perfect the way you are, you know,

Jane Ballard (23:23.376)
It's reproducible.

Jane Ballard (23:27.417)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (23:48.004)
Yeah, he's like, but I liked your skin how it was.

Alicia Mills (23:51.672)
Mm-hmm. I know.

Amanda (23:54.254)
So I'm curious what a day in your life looks like right now. Like, what do you do a devotional? I know that your relationship with God is at the forefront of your life, so I would love to hear more about that.

Alicia Mills (24:07.38)
Mm hmm. Yeah, so I'm trying to get on this new habit of getting up early. It's a hard one. I really like my sleep. So both like man, you are crabby, but you don't get a full eight hours and it's not wrong. But I just love to sleep. It just makes me happy. So I'm so now I'm trying to get make sure I would love to get my workout in. So it's like and then I have three kids in sports and multiple things. So it's Yes. So

Jane Ballard (24:22.295)
the same way.

Jane Ballard (24:27.373)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (24:33.664)
and three children.

Alicia Mills (24:37.292)
trying to, I'm getting a lot better at time management and like what does time management look like and putting things on a calendar. But right now, so I started the Bible recap January 1st and it's an app or it's a hardcover book and it takes you through about probably 12 minutes of reading and it's not chronicle, yeah, it's chronologically through the Bible. So it's like a 12 minute reading starting in Genesis and then

Tara Lee Cobble, she narrates it and she does a little video. And so she kind of summarizes it and she really goes into like, well, this is what this meant and this is God's character here. And so I am like 80 days in. It has been the most fruitful thing for me. I grew up in a church. I accepted Jesus when I was in fourth grade with Bible stories. So I know, but I've never read the Bible cover to cover. I just haven't done it because it's daunting.

And it's a big thing to do because it's like, well, that chapter is kind of weird or boring or, but so I'm through like, yes, all of those things. And so I'm through like numbers, Leviticus, all those hard ones and it's fascinating, but it's not. Like I'm like, this is so interesting how God orchestrated all of the things he gave.

Jane Ballard (25:36.796)
Mm-hmm.

Jane Ballard (25:42.56)
Yes, or how do you even interpret that? What do you do with this?

Jane Ballard (25:55.4)
They're the hard ones.

Alicia Mills (26:04.576)
the Israelites tools as they were walking in the wilderness because they were a brand new nation and they were slaves, but now they're one people. So how do they live and survive? God's like, well, do this and this and this. It was just his provision for his people was so incredible. So that's been a really fun thing for me because I feel like it's interactive. It's not just scripture. I get to have a commentary with it. So that's been super great. The Bible recap, everyone needs to do it.

And then I work at I get a work at church. I thought the honor and privilege to do ministry as my job and so It's just life-giving when you're in the people business. It's just if people's hearts. It's not a checkbox It's not a check mark. I get to pray with people I get to so it's really strengthened my muscle of What ministry even is like I did I was clueless before very timid very? unsure not confident at all and they have

me to do things that are really hard. So like I remember, so Amanda talked about um seeing me at church. I remember they asked me to do a video about my sobriety, about alcohol, about three or probably six months in to me not drinking and I was terrified. Like I was embarrassed. I'm like, I cannot admit that. Like it's too gross. Like it's too gross. And so they have just pushed me to do things and I, the Lord just said, if you're asked,

you need to say yes. And so I've said yes to really hard things for me that I really didn't want to do, but I've been able to like truly like grow so much. So I know it's a growing up is real hard. Being in your comfort zone is a lot easier, but it doesn't get you very far. You don't grow and what's that's not fun.

Amanda (27:48.316)
Mm-hmm.

Jane Ballard (27:49.296)
but you don't grow, you know? Like you gotta lean in to the things that scare you and that feel threatening in order to realize that the belief you have that you can't do it or that everyone will judge you or that something terrible will happen, that belief isn't actually accurate, that actually you will help other people feel less alone and you'll inspire others and grow in the process.

Alicia Mills (27:55.721)
Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Alicia Mills (28:04.874)
Yeah.

Amanda (28:07.554)
Yeah.

Alicia Mills (28:07.909)
exactly right.

Alicia Mills (28:11.668)
Yes.

Amanda (28:15.274)
I think the one that's, the one that sneaks up on me the most even like at this point is like Satan attacking my mind and saying like, you should delete your Instagram and your Facebook and not talk about this on social media because it's an embarrassment to your children. And, you know, but the truth is like, my kids are actually really proud. So that's definitely a lie. You know?

Alicia Mills (28:15.404)
So good. Yeah.

Alicia Mills (28:28.341)
and

Alicia Mills (28:32.564)
Oh.

Alicia Mills (28:40.348)
Mm-hmm. You keep doing it. Because people are watching. And that's the thing I'm learning, too. And you'll never know. You'll never know how many seeds you planted or how many things that you have the ball rolling or just the mind's thinking about possibilities of, well, maybe I could do that. Or maybe I should do that. Because a lot of people aren't going to say anything. So to me, I think, too.

Jane Ballard (28:40.924)
Yeah, for sure.

Alicia Mills (29:05.14)
If the people who have said something to me, there are just that many more who haven't. And it's the truth. So it matters, especially if you're being obedient. Like if you're being obedient to what the Lord has called you to do, like you can do no wrong. It's only a win-win situation, period. If you're having integrity, if you're being honest, if you're being obedient, the Lord's gonna one bless you, but he's also, he's got a plan for all those people who are in the wake of what you're doing, which is super cool.

Jane Ballard (29:10.094)
Mm-hmm.

Amanda (29:32.598)
Yeah, absolutely. So.

Jane Ballard (29:34.084)
Yeah, I think if you're centered in your values and you're coming from a place of love and service, you can't go wrong.

Alicia Mills (29:39.104)
Yep, can't go wrong.

Amanda (29:42.835)
Absolutely. Well, we usually end the episode with asking about what advice you would give to your, like the 20 year old version of yourself.

Alicia Mills (29:55.448)
Hmm. Yep. You gave me this question before we started. And that's a hard. I was just telling Amanda that it's such a weird thing to think, because when you are 20, you just have no experience. You just have really no grasp on real life. For me, I was just kind of oblivious and very selfish. I think my advice would be.

Like lean on the Lord and what he is speaking to you and not what you think other people are gonna think of you. I had a really, really hard time with people pleasing. Like I just wanted to be liked, I wanted to, and so I never truly, like I never truly fell in step with who I was, who me, like my design. And so.

you know, sometimes I think back, I mean, what a shame that I lost X amount of years not living Julie, who I was designed to be. Um, but now I can. So it's good. But I would just say, Hey, let, let all of that negative self talk, go and just like live a joyful life and like be obedient. And yeah, it's a bummer. Sometimes I think, gosh, man, I just you just missed miss out on a lot of joys in life.

when you do that. And for me, it was a lot of missed relationships. I was so caught up in like, what I was doing. I was controlling my food and my drinking and my exercise. Like I would not go to the park. I would not go to a friend meeting. I would not do these things because I had to get, I had to stay on my plan and I had to stay on my schedule. And I, to me, it was, I probably would say, choose relationship over yourself.

And that's something I'm learning now. It's like relationship. It's what it's all about, you know, when it comes down to it, so.

Jane Ballard (31:53.832)
Yeah. Yeah, and not.

Amanda (31:55.935)
Yeah, I love the beginning part of that advice, which was like listening to God and like, you know, not necessarily listening to what you think other people are wanting from you or what you're wanting from yourself, but really, truly trying to tune in and listen to God. And that's definitely something that I want to really dive into and start working on. So thank you for sharing that.

Alicia Mills (32:10.139)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Alicia Mills (32:19.624)
Yeah, you got it.

Jane Ballard (32:21.636)
Before we sign off, can you tell us a little bit about the foundation that you started?

Alicia Mills (32:27.04)
I would love to, yeah, so after we lost our son, we were just in a weird, just, yeah, not a weird, but just a grieving stage. And my husband did a lot of just alone time with the Lord in the bath. The bath, I remember he'd wake up at 4 a.m. and just sit there in silence and just kinda, and one day he said, hey, I heard from the Lord and I think we need to start a foundation. In Bo Bear's name.

And I think that we need to walk people through loss of a child. And because we had such an incredible support system, um, really blew my mind. And my family flew in for the funeral service and they were just like, this is, this is it, like you have this amount of people like showing up, like just all the things just blew us, blew us out of the water. And so he said, people don't have this.

Alicia Mills (33:25.212)
funds, people don't have community, people don't have prayer or hope, and I think we need to do this. And I was like, hell no, like that sounds horrible. I do not want to do that. I am not in the mind frame to I was I mean, I don't I haven't even figured out how I feel about all of this. Like I am in no position to be able to do that. But he

Jane Ballard (33:33.868)
I'm sorry.

Alicia Mills (33:49.632)
Bo is a really good idea man and I trust him and all the things he does. And so I said, okay, so I started like looking to a 501C3, what does it look like to start a nonprofit? All of these things. And so we did it in December 2021 or the end of 2020, I think actually. And so yeah, this is, so what we do, just last night, I think I helped three families alone this week all over the country.

Amanda (33:51.79)
Hahaha

Alicia Mills (34:19.268)
We, so yesterday I helped a mom and a dad, they lost their son and daughter in a terrible car accident. And so I was able to send them on just a two night over overnight trip, just to one, just to have a retreat, to grieve, just to be out of your own house, out of your own and just spend time with each other. We cover funeral services all the time, medical bills, electric bills, whatever, because it's so unique every situation.

Jane Ballard (34:40.336)
Yeah.

Alicia Mills (34:49.56)
It just depends on what the family needs. And so it's been like, I had a local gal this week and she lost her baby right after, about five or six hours after giving birth. And so we talked for a long time and just being able to talk to someone on the phone and God's so sweet because he's like, hey, you are obedient and doing this and he's healed me so much being able to speak to other families. And I didn't.

I just, I didn't want that when I, when we lost our son, I didn't want to talk about it. Like I just, that just wasn't my, because I was still figuring out how to do feelings, you know? And so I just, I just, yep, that's exactly right. Well, and I was shocked as a man of parents. I mean, grandparents who like, they lost a grandson on their watch. And so he wanted to talk to somebody because he just, and so being able to be,

Jane Ballard (35:28.164)
Yeah, well, and I think everybody grieves differently and some people don't want to process with other people, or at least not for a while.

Alicia Mills (35:46.908)
a sounding board and to be semi healing from the rawness of what it looks like and to be able to kind of speak hope into people and pray for people like God's just been super cool. I'm gonna get all teary because it's just it's super cool and God's just to use something so I mean it's everyone's worst nightmare and for him to be like hey trust me and I'll I will make something good out of it and he has and like and then my view of heaven's just changed like

You know, it just does when you lose a child, it's like, okay, so I get to see you, I get to see you again, so right now, I'm gonna put my head down, I'm gonna work hard, and I'll get to see you soon. So it makes your mission here just very tangible. It matters, you telling someone about Jesus, it matters. All of those things are so important, and so he gave us one mission, right?

go tell the world about me. And so I get to do that, which is super fun. So I love it. It's bobearfoundation.com if anybody wants to check it out and just hear a story and what we do. And this is a really cool, can I share a quick story? Okay, we went to Colorado. We went to Keystone, Colorado, upper spring break, and we got to go skiing and it was so much fun. And we got back last Friday and I got a...

Jane Ballard (36:50.598)
Bye.

Amanda (37:00.33)
Yes, of course.

Jane Ballard (37:00.666)
Yeah.

Alicia Mills (37:12.928)
I got a phone call on Monday and she's like, hey, this is so weird. But she said, hey, I was in Keystone skiing and I saw your family there and I recognized you from your social media account. And so to me, that's just number one, mind boggling. But she said, hey, our best friends and friends from church lost their 13 year old son yesterday in a snowmobile accident. And so we were able to.

fund this family and help this family through this. And just like, God's so cool. Like, he just knew. And he knew that we were going to be there. And he knew this family. And he knew this connection. So that was just a really, because it's hard. It's hard to do this all week, all the time. It's just a hard thing. So it was a neat way for God to say, hey, I see you. And what you're doing matters. And keep going. So that was a super cool encouragement for me this week.

Jane Ballard (37:56.464)
Yes, yes, it's a lot to carry.

Jane Ballard (38:06.844)
Yes.

Amanda (38:09.514)
Yeah. And even you guys were on vacation, just enjoying yourselves as a family. You weren't trying, you didn't have to make any effort. Like it just presented itself. God just put that on your path. Like I think that is the coolest when, you know, you weren't like on social media trying to, you know, put yourself out there in any way, you know, someone just saw you recognize you contacted you. And then all of this just came together. So beautifully.

Jane Ballard (38:09.776)
Yes.

Alicia Mills (38:18.4)
Right?

Amanda (38:39.778)
That's amazing. I love it.

Alicia Mills (38:39.828)
Yeah, super cool moment.

Jane Ballard (38:42.152)
Yeah, and I think a huge part of the grieving process and healing from loss as much as possible, you never fully heal from it, but just being able to make meaning out of it and to be able to ease somebody else's suffering because of your own experience. I think that's just pivotal in healing. And it takes a lot of vulnerability and courage to put yourself there, but it's so important.

Alicia Mills (38:54.586)
Mm-hmm.

Alicia Mills (39:01.233)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, no, it's. It's.

Yeah. Yeah, and you guys are doing the same thing with your leading years in your sobriety journey. It's like, hey, this is my story. And I want other women to have the opportunity to share in it or dabble and just try it if they want to. So way to go, ladies. Way to lead the charge. It matters. It's super important. People just don't even know really who they are without alcohol now. Not all, but I just feel like it's such a thing that is normal.

Jane Ballard (39:17.682)
Yeah.

Alicia Mills (39:37.952)
And but it's there are so many negative effects of it. And I don't even think we've touched on a lot of them. You know, the research I think already is like, oh boy. But I just think you guys are doing an awesome job leading the charge.

Jane Ballard (39:38.532)
Mm-hmm.

Jane Ballard (39:42.92)
Yes.

Jane Ballard (39:50.876)
Yes.

Amanda (39:55.746)
Thank you so much for saying that. And I do think that there's so much more to talk about and we would love to have you back on at some point for sure. I just think that it's really cool that, you know, no matter where you go in the world, if you find another sober woman, you know that you've found a friend. And so, you know, that is just what this is for. So.

Jane Ballard (39:55.748)
Well, thank you.

Alicia Mills (40:04.704)
would be honored.

Alicia Mills (40:17.803)
and green.

Alicia Mills (40:23.572)
Yep. So great. Thanks for having me, guys. Appreciate it.

Amanda (40:24.034)
Thank you for coming on today. Yeah, absolutely.

Jane Ballard (40:24.936)
Absolutely. Yes, thank you. Yes, thank you, Alicia.

Amanda (40:29.666)
Of course.