S1 E13 How Sweta Sansara Broke Barriers: From Nepal to Hollywood, Marine Corps Service, and Mental Health Advocacy

Jane Ballard (00:04.051)
Thank you so much for joining Amanda and I today to share your story. We are so happy to have you.

Sweta (00:10.018)
Thank you so much for having me. It's always an honor and a privilege to be able to share my story and hope to help others. So I'm happy to be here.

Jane Ballard (00:16.539)
Yes. Yes, that's awesome. So you and I actually met over Instagram several months back. You reached out to me, and we went live together. And you interviewed me and asked me about my alcohol-free journey. And I'm so glad you did that, because now I feel like we know each other. We comment on each other's posts. And it's like this little community.

Sweta (00:39.246)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (00:43.434)
Yeah, definitely you were one of the first people I reached out to when I opened up my account and decided to do this. You definitely have a lot of experience that you share that I related to, and I think it's wonderful what you're doing. So I'm glad to be here chatting with you now.

Jane Ballard (01:05.595)
Yeah, that's awesome. Well, thank you. Well, maybe to start out, could you share with us just a little bit about your journey coming to this alcohol-free space and what that's been like for you?

Amanda (01:06.278)
Yeah.

Sweta (01:19.178)
Yeah, definitely. So, well, I actually coming up on 17 years of sobriety, so I've been around a while. So when I came into the sobriety space, it wasn't exactly, I feel as popular as it is now. I was 23 years old. So a lot of the people around me here in

Jane Ballard (01:26.483)
Wow, yes, that is awesome.

Amanda (01:28.877)
amazing.

Sweta (01:44.418)
from the East Coast, I got sober on the West Coast and They were all still out there partying and drinking and doing that whole thing and so I chose to stay and create a community over there of sober people Because I didn't really know much of people many people who drank besides family members And so that was easy for me

than there, but I think that if I was starting here with the group of people and the family that's here, it would have been way more difficult for me because there was no, like, Instagram was not a thing back in 2007, Instagram came out in 2010, and so the way that social media is now, there wasn't any access to maybe, I'll just jump online and grab some sober.

Jane Ballard (02:22.371)
Okay.

Jane Ballard (02:39.815)
Yeah.

Sweta (02:41.262)
Content and help me make it through the day, which I think would have been really helpful for me in my younger years

Jane Ballard (02:46.187)
Yes, and even podcasts, like there weren't that many podcasts around back in those days.

Sweta (02:50.97)
No, no, it was, you know, 12 step programs and therapy. And, you know, those were the options, basically, you know, that's those were the options that were given to me. And at a desperation, I took every option that came my way and it worked for me for a really long time and ebbs and flows and all of that. But yeah, so I think that then finding this space now

Jane Ballard (02:58.223)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (03:20.378)
awesome because it's open to my mind to many different ways that people get sober and also just knowing that there is a community and a space in like the internet world that is so supportive and positive and caring and I feel you know sometimes it can feel like

Jane Ballard (03:39.344)
Yes.

Sweta (03:48.594)
exclusive but it feels inclusive. This space feels inclusive. Like many different types of social media spaces have a feeling and I have been in my previous work that I was doing with gut health and all of that. There is like you're either in this diet or you're not and you're either like I just feel like everybody is just trying to share their story to help someone else. It's that's what it feels like at least for me. So I am enjoying the space.

Jane Ballard (04:06.788)
Yes.

Amanda (04:07.355)
I'm gonna.

Jane Ballard (04:18.535)
Yes.

Sweta (04:18.658)
here and I do have like my own physical world of Sober space people environment that I've created which for me is the most important space is having those real connections with people And some of those people I've met here on Instagram. I'm sure if we live closer, we probably get coffee

Jane Ballard (04:39.255)
Yes, we'd get together for sure. So you have a community of people who are local to you that you can spend time with and reach out to and who relate to your journey. Yeah, yeah, I think that's so important. So 17 years ago, at the age of 23, what was the turning point for you where you said, you know what, I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm gonna take this counter cultural approach to life and give up alcohol.

Sweta (04:49.718)
Yep, I definitely do. Yeah.

Sweta (05:09.45)
Well, it was a long time coming. I had tried many times to get sober and well, I kind of have to go back because I lost everything, everything to alcoholism. It runs in my family. I need to drink some water. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to edit this. I feel like I'm...

Jane Ballard (05:24.371)
Okay.

Jane Ballard (05:34.211)
Yes. Get the cops out.

Sweta (05:38.47)
Something is we were up late last night for trivia night first my husband's birthday and I was screaming a lot because

Amanda (05:45.638)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (05:47.399)
lot of competition.

Sweta (05:49.966)
Mm-hmm. It was loud, we were in a bar. Which I can do today, but. All right, so, 17 years ago, I got sober because I couldn't stop drinking. I hit rock bottom, for me, that's my story, it was a rock bottom situation. I had lost.

Jane Ballard (06:03.698)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (06:14.227)
Oh, I'm sorry.

Sweta (06:18.798)
everything. I had two boxes to my name and I was in Colorado at the time and I called my parents. I was going through a breakup with somebody who I thought I was going to be with forever. That kind of situation and I had tried. I was sober for a year and I tried to stop. And then I was told through the person that I was with at the time that oh

Jane Ballard (06:32.641)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (06:43.014)
you don't really have a problem. Everybody gets blacked out drunk sometimes and it happens. Maybe he forgot that was every time and I was ruining things and hurting people and physically hurting people and getting behind the wheel, just doing really destructive things. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna try again then. I'll try again. It was really hard. I started hiding. I started, I needed more. When I had one, I needed more.

Jane Ballard (06:50.236)
I'm going to go to bed.

Jane Ballard (06:57.778)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (07:11.527)
right.

Sweta (07:11.89)
And so in 2007, all of that ended and I called my parents and I was like, we're breaking up and you know, my parents are so wonderful and you know, I'm fortunate to have them and they're like, well, what do you need us to do? And I was like, well, I want to go to Hollywood, you know, because I wanted to be an actress. And so I, they're like, okay, come home for a little while. Let's.

Jane Ballard (07:29.624)
Yeah.

Sweta (07:34.706)
And they thought that I was going to classes and getting sober and doing all of this stuff because I told them that I had stopped drinking so they wanted to help me. I don't know that I would have gotten that same kind of help if they knew what was going on. And so I didn't tell them that I drank again or that I had been drinking so I could get the help that I needed because that's what I kind of person that I was at that time in my life. So I went home for a little bit. I processed. I couldn't stay at my parents' house because I was.

Jane Ballard (07:42.451)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (07:53.699)
Yeah.

Sweta (08:03.654)
so depressed I stayed at my uncle's house basically in the basement for a week. I did what they asked me to do and then I moved to California and I drink again. And this time it wasn't so bad but it was enough for me to be like I have a problem. Like I really have a problem. And I met a cousin who was sober and she was like I know a place where you can go and you know.

Jane Ballard (08:12.339)
day.

Sweta (08:33.258)
We got the hotline going and I got picked up and went to my first 12 step meeting on that November, what was that, March 16th, 2007. And I had started meeting people and I met a friend who was going through school to be an alcohol counselor, like a drug and alcohol counselor and.

Jane Ballard (08:44.935)
Wow.

Sweta (08:56.926)
she had me move in to her house. She was like, you can't stay where you are. Like you're welcome to, like just all these angels, like earth angels started to come into my life. And I stayed with her for a year. And she was like, just go to therapy, do your thing, get sober, like you can stay with me. And eventually there was, yeah, she was, I mean, exactly all of it. And so, yeah, it was.

Jane Ballard (09:04.531)
Yes.

Jane Ballard (09:15.739)
Yeah, that's so kind. It's like, you've got to change your people, places, and things. And

Sweta (09:27.33)
I'm sorry.

Sweta (09:32.835)
It was really hard, but I did it, and I did it alone. I didn't involve my parents, I didn't ask them for money, which is what I used to do. I used to just take and take and take and take and take, and I finally stopped doing that and learned. I went back to school, learned I got a job, I got back on my feet, and I started acting. I did a lot of television movies, all the things, and...

Jane Ballard (09:41.136)
Yeah.

Sweta (09:59.943)
Yeah, my life changed completely.

Jane Ballard (10:00.051)
Well, what was that like being in like the acting Hollywood scene while also maintaining sobriety? Where did you find other sober people in that space?

Sweta (10:11.086)
There are a lot of Silver Hollywood people. It's a thing. Yeah, and so my friends, they all had, you know, I had like all of a sudden connections to people that I didn't, you know, I had a friend whose father was like a huge manager, you know, Robin Williams, discovered Robin Williams and Billy Crystal, and I had an opportunity to sit with him and get a lot of good solid advice about

Jane Ballard (10:13.399)
Okay, nice.

Sweta (10:41.214)
you know, my future career as doing, you know, if that was even something that I should be doing or whatever. Um, I do know now that... What's that? Yeah, well, I met with him twice, so I didn't see him all the time. It was twice. But yeah, he has stayed with me all these years because he did give me some really solid advice about what I should be doing versus what I was doing. And at the time, I think he might have been able to see that

Jane Ballard (10:48.457)
Yeah. Kind of like a mentor.

Jane Ballard (10:54.433)
Okay.

Sweta (11:10.822)
I was very much doing this for seeking love, like approval. And that one day so-and-so would see me on the cover of People Magazine and all of the sudden I would be loved. And so I did like it, I did enjoy it, but my motive behind it was still very, it wasn't pure, it wasn't actually what I really truly wanted. Yeah, so I mean, he basically told me

Jane Ballard (11:36.192)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (11:40.458)
you should take your life story and I hope you're writing it down because I've been in the Marine Corps and I'm the first of my, from my country, I was born in Nepal, I'm the first to have joined the Marine Corps, the armed forces, first female to have joined the armed forces in the history of my country. And you know, there's just a lot in my background that and then going into the Marines and you know, my whole history, he told me write it down and to continue to write it down.

Jane Ballard (11:57.735)
How?

Sweta (12:09.538)
for many years and then write a book and then put it out. And that's the kind of stuff Oscars are made out of because movies are made out of stories like yours. And that's what you should do. And I was like, okay, I don't like that answer but I'm gonna pocket that and keep on going.

Jane Ballard (12:20.059)
Wow.

Jane Ballard (12:25.959)
but it's pretty inspiring, you know? Like you've got a story that can impact other people that can change lives.

Amanda (12:28.562)
Yeah.

Sweta (12:29.134)
Thank you.

Sweta (12:35.218)
Yeah, so that is now, I feel like that's where I'm at in my life, where I am in the process of chapter one. And I have all of the, I kept journals, I kept, I did everything he told me to do. He's passed away, um, years, a few years ago, but I'm still in touch with his daughter who got, you know, she's a friend of mine and I haven't told her this. We haven't talked, like we don't talk often.

But when we do, it's pretty short in like, hey, how are you? But more recently, I've been having dreams about her and I reached out to her. And so when we do finally have our next conversation, I'm gonna tell her, hey, you know, your dad told me this and I'm sure it'll be a special moment because she's a special girl and she's sober like me and we have a very deep, beautiful, wonderful, amazing connection, so.

Jane Ballard (13:29.595)
Yeah, sobriety tends to do that with people when you've got that in common. Yeah. Okay.

Sweta (13:35.946)
Yeah. The camaraderie is right away the most incredible, like in the Marine Corps when you see another Marine or even when you have just gone through the process of boot camp, there's nothing like it. You can't, the camaraderie that you get with your platoon or those people, it's like, I can't even describe it. It feels the same way with people whom I meet for the first time who.

are sober. I mean, they might have a different story and a different journey, but there's a reason why they're choosing not to drink. And usually if I'm at a party, those people, we find each other and it's nice.

Jane Ballard (14:06.864)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (14:18.659)
Yeah. Yeah, it's like you get each other on another level. So tell us a little bit about the Marines. When was that before you got sober?

Sweta (14:23.136)
Absolutely.

Sweta (14:29.682)
Oh yes, so yes, it was before I got sober. And I, so I was going to the University of Maryland and I had been drinking a lot naturally. I was that girl all through high school with the drinking and all the things. And I had a little bit more freedom now that I was in college. And it just, I couldn't stop drinking. I wasn't showing up to my classes. I was failing. And I guess my report card.

had come home and I was living with my parents at the time. I guess my report card had come home or something like that and they just saw everything. I mean, I was failing everything. And I didn't know this then, I know this now looking back that my parents and my sister, my older sister were probably sitting around talking about like, what should we do with her? Like, you know, having conversations about me and very concerned. I mean, and then my parents are really strict. So.

Jane Ballard (15:21.179)
Yeah, they were concerned.

Sweta (15:29.198)
I wasn't really allowed to go out and do things so I would just ignore their calls when they would call me and they would have to call the police to come find me because X, Y, and Z fill in the blank. I mean, I was, it was a disaster. I was a warring tornado definitely in my drinking and in my teenage years and early adulthood. So I came home one night from a party and actually drugs are a part of my story. I definitely engaged in drugs.

I had eaten some mushrooms and I thought at that time I should probably drive home now, which is, you know, normally I'm like, I'm staying out and I would drive drunk. Like I am very ashamed to say that, but I did. That's what my where my drinking took me. But this particular day I decided to come home.

and it was about one o'clock, two o'clock in the morning, and I had taken them and I knew that it was gonna hit me and that I really wouldn't be able to drive. I might have a panic attack or something. So I came home and my sister was sitting up, but because I was on drugs, I felt like it was kinda like 7 p.m. at night and like, oh, my sister, she wants to talk to me. This is a bonding. I was feeling like it was something that it wasn't because clearly she was sitting there waiting up for me.

Jane Ballard (16:29.297)
Mm-hmm.

Jane Ballard (16:44.386)
Yeah.

Yes.

Sweta (16:47.382)
And I sat down and we started talking and I was like, wow, this is so nice. Because we didn't have conversations like this because I was really disassociated from life and in my drinking. And she said, you know, what do you think about the military? And I was like, oh, yeah, you know, that sounds like, you know, so and so she was going on about something. I was like, oh, that's nice. And she's like, well, what do you think about it? And I was like, well, I don't know. She's like, you want to go check out? And again, I'm on drugs.

you want to go check out some of these, you know, army, navy, the military. I said, sure, we can go to some of the recruiting offices. And she'll go, OK, I'll wake you up in the morning and we'll go. I didn't sleep that night. And to me, it was like we were going to go do something together. Like, we didn't do that. And so it felt like something special was happening. But again, I'm on drugs and I go in to my bedroom. I didn't sleep that night because I was.

Jane Ballard (17:35.676)
Yeah.

Sweta (17:44.114)
on drugs and I was doing whatever I was coloring and listening Pink Floyd and being the hippie that I was. And I, 6 a.m. my sister knocks on the door. So I mean, this is like serious business. She went to sleep. She's going to give me work. We're going first thing in the morning. We're not getting up and her changing her mind. Like we're going. She takes me and I am seeing colors. I'm like full on. So we sit in the Army, didn't like it. We sit in the Navy, didn't.

Jane Ballard (17:48.676)
Yeah. Yes.

Sweta (18:13.41)
didn't like those colors. And then the guy, I mean, it was all about colors because I was on, like this is what's crazy about, yes, I'm on psychedelics. And so I'm like, oh, and I'm having this experience with my sister and I'm like, this is like special. And then, yeah, it's like, so the guy at the Navy, I remember very clearly him saying, well, you know, the Marine Corps, they say that they're the best fighting force, but they're nothing without us. And I was like, what's the Marine Corps?

Jane Ballard (18:18.248)
You're on a psychedelic substance.

Jane Ballard (18:27.463)
We're bonding here.

Sweta (18:43.53)
I'd never heard of it. So we go to the Marine Corps office, which is always in the back and hidden because that's how it is with the Marine Corps. It's like always, you gotta go the extra mile for it. And I went back there and I was hit with these blues and these reds and the flag. I was just like, I like this. And they told me they could put me in Camp Pendleton.

Jane Ballard (18:55.827)
Thank you.

Sweta (19:10.578)
and that they're like, what do you want to do? It's like, I want to be an actress. And they're like, okay, we can make that happen. And I was the last person they needed to make their quota for the month. They needed one person to make that recruitment, you know, fulfill that recruitment. And so they said, we can put you here and we can station you there and then you can drive up to LA and you can.

Jane Ballard (19:29.131)
Yeah, their goal.

Sweta (19:40.002)
do all this and we'll make you, they have this special admin that they were like, we're gonna give you this job, it's called a zero, blah, blah. Because everything's in numbers. And so the jobs are like, they're listed in numbers. I'm like, oh, this sounds great. Signed. And three days later, I think it was, I came to on the yellow footprints. I don't know what.

Jane Ballard (19:58.231)
Ha ha ha.

Sweta (20:08.61)
I like it was a blur because they're like, all right, this is it. The moment I signed it became what is called a pulley. Or like they are training you and you're you are going to be going to this thing. And but the thing that they said to me more than the actress thing that got me is they said. We will strip you down of who you are and make you into the most courageous, the bravest.

Jane Ballard (20:16.292)
Okay.

Sweta (20:38.226)
woman you could ever possibly be and not only did I hear they'll strip me down and turn me into a different person because I didn't like who I was at all, the self-loathing was like I mean that's what I lived in, that's what I drank over is to just wash away all this and that was like the number one reason and because I had so many eating disorder issues with body image and all of that is part of my history.

Jane Ballard (20:53.424)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (21:06.241)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (21:06.794)
as if they're going to change me. Not only are they going to make me thin, thin equals love, because that's the message I received early on in my life. Thin equals love. So you'll be thin and you'll be a different person. Oh, I'm in. I'm and you get to be an actress. Oh, I'm in. They will beat it into me. I need to be in the number one, number one fighting force where they're going to beat me into being somebody else. And that's what I thought was going to happen.

Jane Ballard (21:14.743)
Uh huh.

Amanda (21:26.902)
Uh huh.

Jane Ballard (21:33.415)
this thin actress.

Sweta (21:36.61)
Oh yeah, just actress, I mean, I still to this day cannot believe that like they, I mean, well, I was on drugs so there's that, but like that I did that. So they put me through, because I was a little bit overweight at the time, they needed me to lose five pounds in three days, and to get me on this next plane on this to get to Parris Island. And so they...

Jane Ballard (21:47.675)
Yes!

Amanda (22:03.822)
Thank you.

Sweta (22:05.546)
said, from here on out you can't eat. I'm like, oh, here we go, yes, let's do it. I guess we're in, here we go. And so they gave me, I remember them taking me to a Marine Corps base and they had a recruiter with me and they gave me the Hollywood, the liquid Hollywood, do you remember the Hollywood drink, the Hollywood juice people used to drink?

Jane Ballard (22:07.911)
Oh my gosh. Your eating disorder voice is like, all right, we got this.

Jane Ballard (22:32.763)
No.

Amanda (22:33.787)
Mm-mm.

Sweta (22:33.834)
It was a Hollywood juice that was basically a laxative called the Hollywood Diet. And they gave me three bottles of that running on the track. I had Saran wrap, they wrapped Saran wrap around me. Sweats, they had me running. And I'm still like, this is the moment like after I signed, like now I'm theirs. And so I'm like, okay, this is it. This is how I'm gonna get thin. I'm gonna get loved. I'm gonna go.

Jane Ballard (22:37.443)
Oh my gosh, this must not have made it to Texas.

Amanda (22:37.988)
Okay.

Amanda (22:44.07)
Oh my gosh.

Jane Ballard (22:46.428)
Ugh.

Sweta (23:02.35)
Hollywood, like this is it. And because I didn't eat, because I wasn't properly fed and all of that, I did make the requirement. They did drug test me and they had to pull some strings around that whole thing because I popped for, well, shrooms and marijuana. And so, yeah, it was crazy. I lied to them. They put me behind, I remember standing behind a dumpster and this huge Marine, huge. He's like,

Jane Ballard (23:18.884)
Yeah.

Sweta (23:32.114)
why'd you, you know, you lied to us, like, I was terrified. But I was like, this is it, they're starting to change me. And I was like, I'm sorry, but like, reprogramming is starting, let's go. And, you know, anyway, I got through that. I lost exactly the three, I think it was three pounds or two or three pounds, I had to lose a certain.

Jane Ballard (23:40.431)
Yes, this is the reprogramming.

Amanda (23:46.125)
No.

Sweta (23:58.646)
very low amount of weight in order to make it because I was right above the max. And I made it, I got in and when I, that's when I came to on the yellow, like I was like, oh, we are here and we are on a yellow footprints. And that was it, there's no turning back then and all through bootcamp I had that same, we're gonna, they're gonna change me, change me, change me, change me, change me, never changed. Got out, I was sober because I was in bootcamp and

Jane Ballard (24:26.896)
Yeah.

Sweta (24:30.034)
Yeah, I got out, I was like, okay, I can play this game. This is a game, I just have to get through this game. I get it, I know what this is, I get it. And so I played the game, got through, and the moment my parents picked me up, I had them stop at the PX. And this is the first time I actually had a full on like, binge in front of my parents in the car. And I just, I mean, it's not a pretty sight when I was in a binge. And fisting food.

Amanda (24:47.456)
Thank you.

Sweta (24:58.922)
My parents were like, what are you doing? I was like, well, you don't know what it's like to only eat one apple. And I was devastated because I really didn't lose that much. I was just probably a normal size. And I don't think I was ever big. I think that I just had this mentality that I need to be like Kate Moss. That's just...

Jane Ballard (25:13.807)
Well, and if you're wanting to be an actress in Hollywood, you're probably thinking I need to be like a size double zero or whatever.

Sweta (25:20.286)
Yes, yes, exactly. And so I got out and then I went to, I had leave for 10 days, so I went home and I was like, my parents, because it was three days that I was from the time I joined to the time, the last time I saw my friends was the day I took those shrimps and I was drinking and I took those shrimps. So nobody had heard from me. They were calling my house. My parents like,

Amanda (25:21.211)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (25:46.946)
those were bad people, like they were telling me that I wasn't here, that I had left the country, that I was gone. So then I came home and I was like, I'm gonna go out to eat. Really, I knew where my friends were. They were at happy hour, at Chili's happy hour. That's where they went on that day. And so I went there, they're like, where have you been? And I pulled out my dog tags and they're like, no way, no way.

Jane Ballard (25:52.403)
They're like, we're getting rid of those friends.

Sweta (26:11.942)
No way. Like we're probably declaring war in the next three weeks and you went into a maricler and I was like yeah they're like that's so typical of you. You know like I was crazy like I that's what the kinds of things that I did and

Jane Ballard (26:16.915)
Oh my gosh.

Jane Ballard (26:26.563)
Is this when we were over like the Afghanistan? Okay.

Sweta (26:29.826)
Yeah, they declared war right when I got into my on-job training unit at 29 Palms. And get this, I get out of boot camp, I do my leave, I go to Camp Lejeune, and then you go through war training. And it's like this whole situation that happens for a month. And it's freezing cold and it's like you're in a war. And for us, it was like very cold.

Jane Ballard (26:45.764)
Okay.

Jane Ballard (26:59.312)
Yeah.

Sweta (27:00.186)
At the end of that, we're sitting and we're waiting to get our, what our job stations are. And I get called up and they, you know, my last name before I got married was Lamichandé and they're like, oh, and they called me Lima Charlie. Lima Charlie, 0621 Field Radio Operator. You have a point three lifespan in war. You're with the Grunts.

I was not going to California. I was not going to be an admin. So I went up to him and I go, I'm sorry, sir, you know, or I, this isn't, I'm supposed to be doing this admin work to like help with Camp Pendleton and then I'll be going to do auditions and stuff. And he looked at me and laughed so hard. That followed me my whole Marine Corps career. I was three.

Amanda (27:49.021)
Yeah.

Sweta (27:55.122)
Two years in, I was doing, you know, I worked with the Grunts. I shot machine guns and I'm that person that holds them, you know, holding the machine gun, those big tanks, I can drive those things. Like, I was out there training with Grunts. 65 guys and me. And he left so, and then I got stationed. Eventually I was in Camp Pendleton.

Amanda (27:57.979)
Thank you.

Jane Ballard (28:09.977)
My gosh.

Sweta (28:24.014)
I had a gunnery sergeant. We were out in the motor pool where all those big vehicles are because I drove those too. And the seven tons. And he calls me in and he goes, Lama Johnny, get in here right now! Get in! And he was like, Please don't tell me that you joined the Marine Corps. I think you were going to be a Marine! And I was like, Yes, sir, I did. And he was like, Get out of my face! Like, it just followed me everywhere.

And the drinking of course was, I mean, I drank at work. I drank every day. I had either beers on me, I had liquor on me. I drank every day when I was in the, yes. And it was not easy being in the Marine Corps for me at all.

Jane Ballard (29:07.751)
you're trying to survive.

Jane Ballard (29:15.127)
Well, and one of the only women too, like that, that would be hard.

Amanda (29:20.646)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (29:21.326)
So we were split up, girls and boys, like our barracks. So I did have a couple of girls with me, but there was the four of us and we were in different sections. So we weren't with each other all the time. And then we experienced where one of the girls had, I mean, it was really hard. One of the girls got raped by another Marine who basically got away with it because.

Jane Ballard (29:32.715)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (29:47.966)
he was a male who was reenlisting and we were in wartime. So she, you know, basically got crying wolf and all of this stuff, which wasn't, it happened to her. So there was, it was, there's a lot of things that happened in the Marine Corps that, you know, eventually added to the PTSD that I already had. And the drinking, excuse me, the drinking definitely got worse.

Jane Ballard (30:08.591)
Yes.

Sweta (30:17.522)
as a result of everything that I experienced there. The sexual harassment, the, you know, I used to wear a huge fake ring on my finger to hope, like, keep guys away because there's, you know, it was hard. You would just be walking places and you would get pinched on the butt or, you know, they just, it just.

Jane Ballard (30:29.959)
like people would think you're married.

Jane Ballard (30:36.007)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (30:41.779)
cat called and well, and just in your story of being recruited, it's like you were lied to and manipulated and body shamed and basically tortured drinking a laxative and then running around and sweats and plastic wrap on your body and then weighed and like how degrading and painful and humiliating.

Sweta (30:44.565)
all of it.

Sweta (31:02.39)
Yeah, they did, they weighed you pretty much every day. And I was in what, when I got out of bootcamp, they put me in a porcupine platoon and ran me twice a day.

Jane Ballard (31:16.955)
Like, what does porky pig platoon mean?

Sweta (31:18.998)
Porky pig is the pigs that lose weight. And nobody was really overweight. We might have been like maybe one or two pounds over their max, which is different than normal. And I don't know that I was even overweight.

Jane Ballard (31:22.011)
like the people that need to lose weight. Wow.

Amanda (31:39.142)
Yeah, but I would think that for someone, I heard you, one of your videos on YouTube, you talked about then equals love, then equals friends, then equals everything. And so already having that mindset from a young age and then being told, put in the porcupine, I mean, that had to be, feel really shameful.

Sweta (31:44.546)
Thank you.

Sweta (32:03.786)
Yeah, I think that the Marine Corps validated a lot of the thoughts that I had through the actions that they, you know, were taking about needing to be fit. And they needed they were just like, you need to be fit. But in my case, yeah, I thought that. Yeah. And for me, it was like, yes, OK, we're going to continue to try to lose weight. And it was all about losing weight. It got so bad. They finally I blacked out one day.

at work and they found me in the parking lot and then they were like okay you need to go in for therapy and I was put on um antidepressants and things like that which I ended up thank God got off of because I was drinking with the antidepressants and I was like I don't know if I should take these like I'd rather take the alcohol but like I think at least I had some sense like I think that they'll if I mix these two out definitely yeah like it'll

Jane Ballard (32:59.099)
the interaction.

Sweta (33:01.866)
Definitely take my life and I think that at that time like I had a hope that I was still gonna be thin and this idea of like this thin Hollywood Woman actress that one day would just be loved because now I have this whole you know, this whole idea of fame Was It drove me. It's just it was like this vision that just drove me

for everything and I still thought that I could attain that but in a very destructive way. And I didn't know how to go about any way of doing anything in a healthy way because in the end I just didn't wanna be here but I was hoping that maybe I could get to that point of where somebody just, they loved me.

Jane Ballard (33:52.412)
Ah.

Amanda (33:53.314)
Yeah. And I think like then also equaling success. Like if I can just be thin, then I'm successful because if anything else goes wrong, at least I'm thin. And that's been my whole life mission is to be thin. So that makes complete sense. And I think a lot more people are struggling with this and think about it than we realize for sure.

Sweta (33:58.222)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (34:04.394)
Yep, you nailed it.

Sweta (34:17.318)
Oh, I see it all the time in my friends, the things that they say. I have to say now, healing and recovery and putting those ideas away and replacing them with ideas of, I am perfect the way that I am, and I am lovable, and really learning to love me and exploring who I am as a person and allowing that to shine, which has taken a long time to do.

Amanda (34:21.755)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (34:49.022)
I, through that process of like really getting over that idea of Finn is, does it creep up sometimes? It does. It still creeps up sometimes. It's like, it's still there, but it's small. It's a small voice that I know how to handle. And as a result of that kind of love and relaxation of my nervous system and all of that,

I am a size zero today. But I didn't do it in this way that it, you know, it's not like, I don't even care about that anymore. It's not the forefront of my life, but it just, I feel like the healing and the recovery took me somewhere that I desired to be once, but now I am, and it doesn't do anything for me. I don't feel that feeling that

I thought I was gonna feel like, oh, I have arrived because it's not about arriving at that tiny, tiny place. It's about really finding love for myself and then my body going naturally to where it's supposed to be because I'm not harming it. So I naturally got there.

Jane Ballard (36:07.379)
It's almost like it's a side effect of loving yourself and living a life that is balanced and aligns with your values. You're not putting substances or food that is just numbing emotion.

Sweta (36:26.07)
Yeah, I mean, and then the cycle stops, like the cycle of, for me, I would, one part of my story I didn't tell you about right before the Marine Corps, and I think this was the tipping point, well, it was the tipping point for my family to, I think, have this conversation and this whole Marine Corps thing came about. There was a night where I went out, it was just a normal Friday night.

I was living with my parents, I was going to University of Maryland and I was feeling, you know, feeling fat and which I know is not a feeling anymore, it's a thought. And I was like, you know what, today's going to be the last day that I have a binge. I'm going to binge today and then tomorrow I'll start fresh and this is it. So what I decided was I would go out to, you know, this restaurant and I ordered a lot of food.

and I took it in the car and then I had a fake ID. So I went to the liquor store that sold to the fake ID people and I bought a cheap bottle of vodka and I thought, okay, I'll just eat this and I'll drink this and I'll throw it up, done. Last binge, start tomorrow. This is very, this is the first time I ever did something like that, but like.

This diet, this starting a diet tomorrow was a very typical thing for me since I was a little girl.

Jane Ballard (37:57.371)
which brings on like the last supper mentality of, I've got to eat everything now because I'm never gonna eat this ever again. So I'm gonna get it all in. Yeah.

Sweta (38:01.466)
Exactly. Yep. Exactly. I got to get it in today. So I ate all the food, I went up to my room, I was playing Nirvana at the time. And I was about 18 years old, maybe about to turn 19. And I started to like, okay, you should be throwing up here soon. You know, I've never done this before. And along the way, I was like, you know what, I don't really want to be here anymore.

So I'm just gonna finish this whole entire bottle and hope I don't wake up. And so I guess at some point I blacked out, but I wrote a note, a goodbye letter to my family. And I don't know how much time had passed or what, but at some point my parents came home and everybody was sleeping. And I don't remember any of this, but I must've gotten up. Oh, I did, I got up and I took this, I folded it up.

You know, we used to write these letters in high school, you remember, and fold them in those little triangles. And I slid it under my parents' door. And I don't remember any of this, but apparently, so my dad woke up in the morning, early in the morning, and he said that as soon as he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was a tiny little piece of paper folded up in the corner, and he decided to get up and go see what it was. And he opened it up and he said,

Jane Ballard (39:04.123)
Yes.

Sweta (39:30.926)
He said that, you know, it was saying goodbye. It was a goodbye letter and that I was leaving and I'm sorry and all the things. And so my sister, he went to my sister's room and he said, I can't open that door. You got to open it. I don't know if I can handle what's in there. So he showed her the note and she goes in and they called 911 and all of that and the ambulance came.

They said that if they hadn't found me, when they found me, I would have died. And so they took me, yes, terrifying, absolutely terrifying, pumped my stomach and I remember coming to in the hospital and then they put me in a lockdown facility for two weeks. And I don't remember much of that place, but I remember just

Jane Ballard (40:08.068)
That's terrifying.

Sweta (40:27.95)
I was crying, I was sitting on the bed where the doctor was checking me and this was like a few days into being at this lockdown facility and my mom came and we're sitting there and I was like bawling and I was like, you've got to put a towel over that mirror. She was like, why? I was like, I can't stand looking at myself. I hate myself. I just... You can't.

stand in front of that mirror. Like I was yelling at her, don't let me see that ever again. And you know, I don't think I've ever shared that out loud, that memory, but it's very clear to me. And I didn't have clothes on, I just had the little sheet thing. And I stood up and I opened, I said, look at this. Look at this. This is disgusting. And I closed it.

Jane Ballard (41:21.587)
Just that self-loathing is so painful.

Sweta (41:25.774)
it and to think that is like today when I get out of the shower I'm like every part it's just wonderful like I don't even I don't think that way anymore I'm like this is the body you always drink you already have your dream the dream that you had is actually real like you are in a beautiful healthy

Amanda (41:38.11)
Thank you.

Sweta (41:55.33)
40, almost 41 year old body. And, you know, I have a different perspective around, you know, the parts that I hated of myself. My children came into my life and I remember nursing my son and he was old enough to like hold onto my arms and I used to hate my arms. Oh my God, I hated them. I would dream of cutting them off, like cutting, just shaving them.

and he would just, the way he loved that part of my arm, I said, oh, it was made for you.

Jane Ballard (42:35.624)
that little tiny baby hand.

Sweta (42:37.242)
it was made for you. and all those little parts of me that i've ever thought that i've hated, my kids or my husband or my children have said to me, mommy, i love this, you know? or my son always like had this weird fascination with my belly and he just wanted to be close and i was like wow like every part of me has a purpose.

Amanda (43:04.53)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (43:04.826)
And that's how I feel about my body today. Like my fingers, my toes, like everything is here to support my spirit, to be something special because I am something special. And just to think that like, I haven't said that out loud. This is the first time I've ever said that memory out loud. And I'm sure my mom probably still remembers it, but you know, we don't really talk about that stuff. So, yeah.

Jane Ballard (43:32.087)
Yeah, it's probably painful to go back and remember, but it's almost miraculous to hear of what your life was like and how much pain you were in, and then where you are today. You know, it's like the best ending that anyone could imagine for that young version of yourself. And just what a gift.

Amanda (43:52.454)
Absolutely.

Sweta (43:53.394)
Yeah. Yeah, it's, and I have...

Sweta (44:01.862)
My whole life experience today is I want to live every day that if, not if, but when I hope to be here for as long as I possibly can, which is so different than what that girl said. Yes, I every... on my deathbed, the day that is my time to leave this body.

Jane Ballard (44:18.251)
Yes, that girl wanted.

Sweta (44:31.558)
I just want to be like my best friend. I want it to feel like we are such good friends. And I feel like if that were to be today, I would feel like that. I'd be like, we had so much fun. Like all of it, all of it, we conquered it. We did it and we got to a place where like, like I did this with me, with her, with my part, with those, you know, I, like we, it's a we.

Jane Ballard (44:44.883)
Yes.

Jane Ballard (44:59.693)
Yes.

Sweta (45:00.066)
And that's how I feel like I live my life. Me and her, like, higher self, however you wanna put it, but like, I'm with somebody. Like, it feels like my spirit has taken over my body and I'm living with this human creation that's just incredible. And we're moving through this together with all the little bits and crevices. And I aim to live in those tiny crevices of life, like the moments of...

Jane Ballard (45:07.059)
Absolutely.

Jane Ballard (45:19.323)
Bye.

Sweta (45:29.358)
taking the moments to like watch my kids do something that most people would think is just a meaningless everyday thing to just be in it, melt in it. And so I have all these memories of things with my kids. And I tell myself, if you forget those memories, just remember that you were in the memory. You were in it, you were in it, you were so in it. You lived every inch of your life fully.

Jane Ballard (45:32.147)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (45:37.543)
It's mundane.

Jane Ballard (45:58.095)
Yes.

Sweta (45:58.546)
after you got sober. Like after I got sober, that's what my life turned into, like moment by moment. And the gratitude that I have today.

It's profound. It's in so many moments. I thought like, oh, you just get gratitude sometimes. No, I feel it in massive waves throughout my day because I think that I invited in, but I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy that I'm alive and that I get to be here because I certainly...

there was moments of my life that I could have easily slipped away.

Jane Ballard (46:41.843)
I mean, that's just, that's so beautiful. And that part of you that you described, like that spirit, that's been with you since the day you were born. And that's what kept that young college age version of you going. And I think part of healing from trauma is integrating that girl into who you are today. Like you're not ashamed of her, she's not bad.

Amanda (46:41.886)
Absolutely. I know.

Jane Ballard (47:07.043)
she was suffering and she was doing whatever she could to survive with the resources that she had at the time and your love and acceptance for her and integration of her into you is such an important part of healing.

Sweta (47:24.767)
Yeah.

Amanda (47:27.203)
I am interested, I know that you or I think that you are pretty much sugar free. Like I'm interested to hear what a day in your life looks like as far as what you, food intake goes.

Sweta (47:40.086)
So I typically I wake up and I have breakfast right away because that's something I skipped for years, years. I have eggs, typically boiled eggs, soft boiled eggs, one or two depending on my exercise that day, half an avocado, so like today I had half an avocado and.

I had a cup of coffee with half and half. And I can have very specific like monk fruit sweetener, which I don't have all the time, but sometimes I do have some of that in my coffee, like this morning I did. And then I made fresh chicken par, like I had like batch cook, so.

because it was my husband's birthday, I made like trays of chicken parm and I usually make those in a way that I can have them. So they don't have certain types of added sugars and things like that in it that might create a trigger for me, because when sugar enters my body, what happens is it's basically like alcohol. I have this craving that I can't stop. And then it's like, oh, I need more, I need more, I need more. And I'll...

Quickly go into a story of what happened to me when I ate too much sugar once. This is when I found out that I had, I actually had a physical reaction to sugar. I ate a lot of candy one day at work. I blacked out completely. I had forgotten my lunch and I was running the place. So from breakfast to lunch, it was February where all of the girls were bringing in the stuff that their boyfriends said. I was single at the time and I was like, okay, I'll just eat this and we're good. I blacked out.

went home, my mom was like, something was wrong with you. I was like, I don't remember anything. I drove home, locked up the store, locked up the facility, didn't remember anything, called the doctor, went in for some blood work, and she said, did you drink last night? And at the time I said, I had four years sober. I was like, I'm sober, like you know that I don't drink. She was like, nope, your liver enzymes are showing that you have had at least a pint of vodka. And I was like, no, I ate sugar all day. She was like, oh, well, it has the same effect on you as alcohol will.

Jane Ballard (50:00.647)
Wow.

Sweta (50:00.702)
on your liver. And if you do have it, be very careful. And so once I start, I can't stop. And so then I end up and so when I was in my binge career, like doing that whole binge eating thing with sugar, I would be driving in the streets like this is my last day, this is my last day, like a heroin addict waiting, getting that last fix. And it when it got really bad, I was doing that almost every night. And then I would

go home and I don't know, I didn't know this, but I was binging on all that sugar and then at some point I would pass out and I probably blacked out. And so it has a very bad effect on me and I just don't have it. So like, so we'll go back. So I do have a little protein and a lot of veggies. On occasion, depending on where it comes from, because I do have ulcerative.

Jane Ballard (50:37.299)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (50:56.046)
colitis that I have healed through learning about pesticides and all of the way that our food is grown. So if I do have fruits and things like that, I usually eat them seasonally and I will get them from the like, my mother-in-law is an amazing master gardener. So she has this whole fruits and potatoes and everything. You name it, she grows it.

Jane Ballard (51:20.935)
Wow.

Sweta (51:21.758)
And so when the blueberries are in season, I'm in her blueberry bushes, thousands, picking thousands and thousands and thousands of blueberries. I'll freeze them and I'll have blueberries until her blueberries are gone. But I won't typically go out to the store because I've done a test on my gut before with certain things and I end up having severe reaction to ulcerative colitis. If I go to other countries, they don't have it so bad so I can get away with eating other things because over there they don't.

use some of the same things we use here, it's illegal. And that's a whole other topic for another day. But I, yeah, it's so as much as I love to eat certain things, I have to be careful because of that as well. So I try to keep it to certain types of also oxalates affect me in a certain way. And when I eat

Jane Ballard (51:55.044)
Seriously.

Jane Ballard (52:13.275)
What are oxalates? Is that a type of preservative or?

Sweta (52:19.914)
So oxalates are found in fruits and vegetables. So for instance, I was looking to go vegetarian for a very long time because I thought that's what was gonna heal me. And so I took out meat and I was like, I'm gonna get protein and things like that from like spinach and iron from spinach and all this stuff that I can get, we typically get from meat, I can get from these certain vegetables, kale and all that. And I was eating a lot of that. And so basically,

When you cut a plant, like certain plants, they release something called oxalates, and ox, some more than others. So spinach has a high amount of oxalates, which is, they're basically the plant's defense mechanism. They spew out these crystals that are like shards of glass, basically. And so when I was eating a lot of spinach, I was having a...

Jane Ballard (53:06.491)
Okay.

Amanda (53:07.262)
Oh my gosh.

Sweta (53:11.99)
like bleeding like you wouldn't believe, internal bleeding like you wouldn't believe. And when I stopped eating high oxalate veggies, I went into deeper remission. So I don't eat spinach, I don't eat kale, I eat a lot of like low oxalate veggies, which is gonna be broccoli. And of course I cook a lot of this stuff down. My acupuncture is like, always cook it down, always cook it down. So broccoli, cauliflower, brussels sprouts, you know.

Jane Ballard (53:15.029)
Ugh.

Jane Ballard (53:21.696)
Okay.

Sweta (53:41.174)
bib lettuce, regular lettuce, lettuce is very low as well. Um, so yeah, it's like a whole thing.

Jane Ballard (53:48.691)
So you've figured out how to kind of work around it, which is great because with ulcerative colitis, I mean, you could be going in and getting infusions every eight weeks or something.

Sweta (53:52.171)
Yes.

Sweta (53:56.99)
I don't have to do any of that. They told me I would probably have my colon removed when I got diagnosed, that at some point I would have to have like surgery and that it was very severe and the likelihood of with my whole history of everything that I probably wouldn't be able to have kids and all of that. And I got sober and I said, nope to all of it.

Jane Ballard (54:16.819)
harsh.

Jane Ballard (54:22.119)
That's awesome. So as a sugar-free person, is that something that you have cravings for? Is it kind of once your body has normalized not having it, you just don't really think about it? Okay.

Amanda (54:22.913)
I love that.

Sweta (54:33.726)
It's like alcohol. I don't care for alcohol. I can be around. I was at a bar last night. I could care less. I'm the most hydrated person in the room. It's the same thing. Cakes, cookies. In the beginning it was very hard. It was harder than not drinking.

Jane Ballard (54:47.044)
Yeah.

I think it'd be harder for me than not drinking.

Sweta (54:51.694)
Mm-hmm. Way harder than not drinking, because Christmas comes around, and it's like, you know.

Jane Ballard (54:57.243)
Yeah, my birthday is tomorrow and I'm like, okay, what kind of cake do I want? And then I'm gonna have leftover cake and.

Sweta (55:01.042)
Yep. Well, and then there's ways around. So like I do have other options. Like I do make, I'll do like an almond flour based, you know, cake with certain things, you know, like, and I will use monk fruit sweetener. And I have made before I made a red velvet cake once for somebody, and they couldn't tell the difference that it wasn't white flour. And you know, so I

Jane Ballard (55:27.868)
Yeah.

Sweta (55:30.738)
There are times where I can, but it's sugar that I can't have.

Jane Ballard (55:34.811)
Yeah, that makes like that refined white sugar. Yeah.

Sweta (55:37.838)
Yeah, it's like really, you know, like if I accidentally get a little bit of honey in something, it's not going to affect me. But I also I choose not I choose not to because I have also been known to not be feeling great and then think that I can just drink a jar of honey because it's sweet.

Jane Ballard (55:55.603)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we're going to have to have you on again and hear more about the sugar aspect. This is really interesting. And I think a lot of people in the early stages of living alcohol free and the not so early stages to struggle with finding balance with sugar or figuring out how to address sugar cravings.

Sweta (55:57.666)
So.

Sweta (56:21.342)
Yeah, I think that too what my doctor told me was that sometimes people who have So when you have alcoholism This enzyme thing happens in your I mean it happens to people Anyway, but like the amount that you see is different than someone who? It doesn't have alcoholism. Um, or I guess the gene Yeah

Jane Ballard (56:34.256)
Yeah.

Jane Ballard (56:41.999)
Yeah, who is biologically predisposed. Yeah.

Sweta (56:46.026)
And she was telling me that and she was like, and so some people like you also have this with sugar. And that's what this is, that's what, yeah. And I mean, we could do a whole nother thing just on that specific topic because I have a lot of experience around like that. And then also the way that it feels in your body as a drug. Like to me, and I think Time Magazine in like 2014 came out that's.

Jane Ballard (56:51.747)
Interesting. I would love to learn more about that.

Sweta (57:14.766)
I'll never forget seeing the cover of it. They had a whole pile of sugar and they were comparing it to cocaine. And now they compare it to heroin.

Jane Ballard (57:19.836)
Wow.

And I bet if you looked at brain imaging, like the dopamine response and everything that lights up is very, very similar. Yeah, it's all there. Wow.

Sweta (57:28.414)
It is, they have them. They have them all, it's all there. It's all there. And it's, yeah. And it's highly accepted, and when you don't eat a piece of cake, it's very different than saying no to a drink. People, yeah. People can't, yeah, people, yeah, it's very different. So.

Jane Ballard (57:47.249)
It is. People get it.

Jane Ballard (57:52.475)
But if you're like, Oh, I'm not having birthday cake. They're like, come on party pooper.

Sweta (57:56.51)
Yep, yeah, oh, just a small bite, it's not gonna hurt you. I'm like, no, it is, I'm good. Yeah, but I have, I mean, I have a lot of tips and tricks around how I get around. I usually will bring something. I always bring something because then it's like, oh, I'm having this too.

Jane Ballard (58:03.575)
It might. I think it might. So.

Jane Ballard (58:12.367)
Yeah, that's smart.

Jane Ballard (58:19.9)
Yeah.

Sweta (58:20.086)
Or I've even been known to put it on my plate if I'm at somewhere where I know it's like that one person that really has a hard time. And I shouldn't have to do this, but sometimes it's just easier. Yeah. And then I just toss it. But most people in my life, like the people that are in my life that I see regularly, I'm like, I don't eat that. And either they'll ask me and I'll tell them, and if they're okay with it, we might hang out again. And if they're not, I don't know.

Jane Ballard (58:28.135)
Sometimes it's easier for you to not have to talk about it. Yeah.

Jane Ballard (58:46.259)
Yeah. You might have to set a different boundary. Yeah. Well, it's just been such a delight talking with you and getting to hear your story and just the growth that is present in those 17 years is so inspiring to me. And I'm sure to so many other people.

Sweta (58:50.431)
Mm-hmm.

Jane Ballard (59:08.839)
How can people connect with you on social media if they're interested in more of your content and more of the conversation that you've been having?

Sweta (59:18.402)
Well, I'm definitely on Instagram. And if you go to my Instagram, that'll take you to my YouTube channel. And for now, I just, I'm, those are my two platforms and I'm just happy to share my experience. And also a lot of part of my journey, which we didn't really go into has been therapy, tons and tons of therapy. So that has been a game changer for me, which.

Jane Ballard (59:28.775)
Okay.

Jane Ballard (59:42.163)
Okay.

Sweta (59:47.87)
I just wanted to insert there because I didn't really touch on that. But the reason I think the way that I think today is because someone that was a professional held my hand.

Jane Ballard (59:51.419)
Yes.

Jane Ballard (59:58.051)
Yeah, guided you along that path. Well, maybe we need to have a part two to get more into your therapy journey and more of just kind of your current life today.

Sweta (01:00:00.546)
Mm-hmm.

Sweta (01:00:09.246)
Yeah, I would love that. Anytime, happy to share.

Jane Ballard (01:00:12.839)
Right, well thanks again and we will talk to you soon.

Sweta (01:00:17.142)
Thank you so much, Jane.